A pulse and a purpose

Hanging on for the year ahead...and knowing I am not alone

2011-12-27T22:31:00.008-05:00

(I'm not sure how the links got in here or how to get rid of them....the only link I added was for the word "listen". My apologies!)
I can't believe 2011 is almost over and 2012 is about to begin. This year has certainly went by fast! I would love to say that it has been a great year, but to be honest it has been one of many struggles. I am sure there are lessons to be learned and that in it all, God has a greater plan, but wow.....in the face of it all it is hard to see. I always tell my high school Sunday school that we are only seeing one small piece of the puzzle. Sometimes I think it would be nice to get a glimpse of the finished picture though. If nothing more than to give you the strength to continue knowing that there is a finished picture and it is beautiful. I suppose that is what faith is though.
Faith. Holding on even when you are not sure why. Holding on when it hurts. Holding on when you are so tired you feel like you can't go on. Faith. Knowing there is a purpose. Knowing you are loved. Knowing He will carry you through.
I hold on to that faith because I have no where else to turn to. I hold on to that faith because I believe that there is a purpose. I hold on to that faith because I have felt the presence of a love greater than any human love I have ever known. I hold on to that faith because I believe. "Jesus loves me this I know....for the Bible tells me so....." That is enough.
As I enter 2012, with some hesitation for all the unknowns and struggles to come, I know that I am not alone. I know that He will carry me. I know that He will give me strength and grace for the day....one day at a time. And, I know that when life is dark, He will provide a light at just the right time. I know because I have faith. I know because He has promised and He is faithful. I know because He loves me.
Listen

some pics

2011-10-28T22:45:00.006-04:00

thought I would post some pics since it has been awhile....a sampling of our summer fun!

Drama, drama, drama

2011-10-28T22:09:00.004-04:00

Wow. A lot has been happening since my last post. We have been busy with marching band and football. That is over and for a little while Saturdays are once again sleeping in days.

But, here is the real drama....
My ex was in a very bad accident....like almost died accident. It has been quite the emotional roller coaster the last month. I have went through a gammet of emotions and while I would like to think it is about over, my fear is that it is only beginning.
The kids have dealt with things pretty well. And, so you know, except for a few slight memory issues, he is doing great. For those of you just dropping in, my ex lived a very long way....Hawaii to be exact. I liked it that way. I liked it that way because he couldn't have a lot of influence over my children while he decides to live his life however he pleases doing whatever he chooses. His parents went to see him and were thinking of bringing him back to help him recoup. He however didn't like the restrictions that they told him he had to live with if they moved in their house. So, he declined. However they left him a ticket. So, he has flown back our way. He is not here, and is a distance away, but if he wanted he could be here in a day.
My daughter is thrilled with the prospect that she will see him again....possibly. It has been about 4 years. He of course told her he would try to get up here to see them. I am sure he told my son the same. I, well to be honest, unless he cleans his life up I want him no where near here. And, i don't see that happening anytime soon.
There is of course the issue of child support....nope, I don't get any. Not that there isn't an order for one, he just doesn't pay. So, if he came back, he would be in trouble. Of course, he knows that. So, as he tells my kids that he will come visit, to me it is just another lie. I don't know which is worse. Don't get me wrong...I don't want him here, not even for a visit. But, I hate the thought of him lying to my kids.
Ugh. I have prayed and have tried to leave it all at God's feet. I have a very hard time with that though. Every time I pray and think I will be okay with whatever Gods wants, I find this spot in my mind and in my heart that isn't okay with it, if it includes bringing him back here. I also know though that regardless, I will love God. Regardless I will serve Him. It is just fighting through all of it.

and so it begins....again

2011-09-04T20:46:00.008-04:00

A new school year is upon us. I can't believe we are here already. This year has just gone...somewhere....not sure where...

We are gearing up for our youth back to school night at church. Due to some....extenuating circumstances we got a bit of a late start in our planning. I think it will be good though.

We are in football season. I love football. I love watching it on tv and at the stadium. I do like high school and college (college more) than pro, but I like it when my boy will watch a pro game on tv with me. When I was growing up, we might watch a game here or there. The biggest game day was of course Thanksgiving. I don 't know that you could say my family sat and watched it or that there was even a lot of rooting going on. It was more like dad and the uncles needed the tv on to sleep by...it didn't even have to be football! Though we all stated we were Michigan fans (go blue) we couldn't run down the stats or the players. But, if we caught a game then that was great. My ex was not a big football watching fan either, though I would sometimes catch a game every now and then. Now however, I watch whenever I can. I am not one of those diehards yet though that has to be sure to be home to watch the game. It is also irksome that I can't watch Michigan games because I don't have cable and the basic station that I might be able to watch it on doesn't come in. So, I put up with watching the Notre Dame games and rooting for whoever is playing them. It's a cruel, cruel world....lol.

Enough football talk for the moment.

School shopping....is it just me or does everything seem unusually expensive this year? Shoes, clothes.....eegads! And it's not like my kids can just wear what they had last year. No, the pants are too short (seriously the kids have grown a few inches, but the pants have not!), and of course, the shoes are too small. And, neither of my kids are still in kids sized shoes. So, add a bit more in the budget for shoes. ~sigh~ Ah well. Once we get done, I am usually safe for a bit...except for the pants. It never seems like they are long enough for long.

Our high school is starting a New Tech Academy for some of the Freshmen. It is an entreprenurial school. A lot of project based learning, working together and higher expectations on the kids for integrty and responsibility. Only 130 kids were accepted. I am sure there will be some bumps along the way this year, but I am excited. I think this is a good thing. Every year they will add 100-130 incoming freshmen. I'll try to update you later and let you know how that is going.

They decided to try a similar concept at one of the elementary schools for k-5 , but my son wants to stay at his current elementary for his last year. Our 6th grade is in a seperate building altogether, then they move to the junior high. I think the New Tech (if all goes as it has been proposed) will be a good place for him once he hits Sr High. He likes the hands on, moving around learning the best. The more interaction, the better for him. He is very smart. His downfall is that he finishes quickly and thinks that everyone else should be too and then he gets chatty. He did much better at the end of the year last year on that front.

Can I also say that I am happy the cooler weather is here?! Exept for a few odd days, things have been cooling off nicely. No need to run the a/c! YAY! Open the windows, let the fresh air in! Soon the leaves will be changing. Love it!

Well, other things are needing done....I'll drop in again soon!

Life frustrations......

2011-08-01T20:57:00.004-04:00

Sorry, but this post is one of those where I am just needing to vent. Bear with me and pray for me if you could. I know the details are vague, but I really don't want to delve into it all.
A month and a half back my daughter had some health issues. After a few trips to the ER and her doctor and another doctor, we think we have determined what is happening. The doctor has put her on some meds. My frustration is that she is still not feeling real great. She is nauseated alot, she still has some pain issues, though not enough to warrant the ER again (thankfully). But, as I sit on the outside, it is frustrating to know that I am doing all I can and it doesn't help. She can go from fine one minute to horribly sick the next and then back again just as quickly. Sometimes she just stays in sick mode. And, yes, we have days where you wouldn't know she had anything going on.
*Disclaimer.....I know there are parents out there that have much more on their plate....they have children with many more health problems than mine experience.....but, this is my reality, and right now I am overwhelmed.*
This in itself might be okay, but this is not the first issue dealt with. Last year about the same time, my son had some medical issues. Again, not sure what to do. Ended up in the ER with him only once, but home many random days, and late for work often. After many trips to the doctor, many tests, and finally a specialist the figured out what was going on, put him on temporary meds to help the issue and we have been going through life since. He is slowly getting off his meds, but is still occasionally having problems which the specialist isn't sure why. They tell me to get him off his meds and see how it goes. Of course, as a parent I want to know why there are still issues, but am hoping that once he is off his meds things will smooth out. No guarantees we won't run into this issue again though. Another sit, watch and wait scenario where I can do nothing to fix it.
I sometimes find myself in a mode where it must just be that they are honing their dramatic skills for the next Oscar, but can tell by their faces or actions that it usually isn't. but, I hit that mother mode where since I don't know what to do, you just need to get over it and get moving. I know that is not the most compassionate, but it is what it is.
So there you go. I know God has a plan and a purpose, but this is one of those times that I just can't see it through the fog of everyday moments. And, I am tired........
(This post was brought on by one of those rough days....woke up sick, then okay, then better, then BAM......)
Thanks for letting me vent....

Hello? Anybody out there????

2011-06-21T20:12:00.004-04:00

My apologies for being away so long. Not having internet at home certainly makes it difficult to do all the stuff online that you would like to. At the same time though, I spend time doing other things and not sitting on the computer for hours on end. We currently have internet, but will have to see how that goes.
So, to catch you up on the current state of life.....
My kids are out of school for the summer and bored. Typical. They can't wait to get out, count down the days, and 2 weeks into summer are bored. My poor mom is going crazy! (She is the babysitter.)
My daughter will be a freshman in high school in the fall, and I refuse to believe I am that old already. Of course, my body often reminds me.....
While I am grateful (for the most part) that I have a job, the recession has definitely hit the work place. We took a pay cut and quite possibly could take another at the end of the month....or maybe summer as work has been pretty slow. This of course doesn't help the financial state of affairs, or the stress levels. I keep trying to leave it in God's hands, but find myself telling him I can worry about it better. He has been very faithful though and I know that He will see us through. I just have to keep reminding myself that and keep giving it back to Him.
One of my kids from youth group has become a huge part of my family. He leaves in the fall for college and while I am not his parent, I will be struggling with him not being here all the time. I have been blessed to get to know him and watch him grow in his faith. I am anxious to see what God does in his life, yet at the same time praying that college is a good thing, not something that takes him away from his faith. So, I pray a lot, just like any parent would.
My daughter will have band camp this summer where they will practice marching for the football games. She did not make a field position, but has to be at all the practices anyway. She loves band. I am sure I have said it before, but she is on the drumline. She hopes to be able to play tenors or tri's next year. Eventually, her goal is to attend Uof M and play on the marching band.
She had a great soccer season this spring, and they won some of their games. Last year, we lost them all, not even scoring one goal.
My son will be in 5th grade this year. He is quickly moving up too. He tried basketball this year and while he complained a lot during the season, decided he would like to play again next year. He also played soccer and has a lot of fun with that too. This week he is at football camp, and then later this summer will start football.
He has recently started participating in a Lego robotics club that our local library hosts and is having a great time with that. I like that it is free!
Me, I am just trying to stay sane. We have recently had some medical issues come up, so I have been pretty busy trying to keep things going. I have had to miss work and had already used my vacation days, so things have been a bit stressful. I am looking forward to my annual girls' weekend with Kris. We weren't planning to go to a New Kids concert this year, but determined we needed to do something anyway. So, we will be going....just getting away. The cool thing though is that we ended up going to the first concert of the NKOTBSB tour anyway. She was offered free tickets from a NK friend and we went. It was killer the next morning at work (remember no more paid days?!?!) but so worth it. I am not a Back Street Boy fan, but my opinion of them is definitely better. We had a great time, and what a blessing. I mean, how can you say no to free tickets?!?!

Not a resolution, but changing as we go....

2011-01-07T13:57:00.003-05:00

So, I'm not big on New Year's Resolutions, but I thought this was good advice.....

Grace Extended 2011

2010-12-27T14:26:00.005-05:00

Christmas has come and gone and a new year is about to start. It amazes me how every year seems to move a little faster than the last.
Christmas this year was a little rough. People who have been out of my life due to various reasons were in my heart this year. Friends who have moved, people who have passed on, etc, even though I have been without them for a few years, this year it weighed on me.
All in all though, we had a great Christmas, spent with family and some friends. God blessed me through a few different people in different ways....watching the kids, taking me to dinner, some unexpected monetary gifts.
It amazes me every time....God is so faithful. He has shown his faithfulness to me over and over again, even when I am not so good at being faithful to Him. The crazy thing is that I don't deserve his gifts, not one of them. Oh, sure there are things I could complain about not going right (and I do sometimes often), but He gave me everything when He sent his son to die on the cross for my sins so that I wouldn't have to spend eternity seperated from him. I deserve nothing....not even the forgiveness he offers. But, I am grateful for the grace and the mercy he extended and continues to extend.
I pray that as you enter this new year, that he will show himself to you in new ways and that you will become more aware of the grace he extends to you daily. I pray that you will be truly blessed.

Grace.

Ronnie

Really?!

2010-09-24T09:18:00.003-04:00

I am amazed at how quickly time has went by this year. We are already almost at October and I am not sure where July went! We had a great time visiting with the Garden of Grace crew this summer. The girls have grown SO much. Before they left, Alexie had yet again surpassed Jordan in the height department. In 2 yrs we will have to check again!!
Football has started again, and my boy made quarterback!! But, again this year he is frustrated and doesn't want to play anymore. (We do this every year...he wants to sign up, he signs up, he plays, he gets upset and doesn't want to play, I won't let him quit until the season is done, by end of season he is ready to sign up the following year.) I know enough about football to watch and enjoy, not help train....not too mention it is difficult with our schedule to practice outside of practice. We will make it through though, and see what he decides for next year. He is getting to that age that at times I think he is being slowly replaced by an alien species. He is struggling right now with many different things emotionally, and there is not much I can do but keep loving him. It is difficult though and I have found myself crying more in the last few weeks than I have in a long time. He is only 9- I don't know if I can do this.......I will, because that's what we do as parents.....but man, if he is only 9 and I feel this way, wow. I am proud of him...he is a good student, and can be very caring and compassionate. It's just something that has to be worked through, and I hope and pray that at the end, he is a loving, compassionate young man that loves God with all that he is.
In the midst of all this, Jordan and I have took a turn in our relationship and we are (for the most part, I mean she is a teen after all) getting along pretty well. We have always struggled with We have had a lot of talks lately about life, love, God and all that stuff you so want to talk with your teens about and very rarely get the chance. It has been very cool and I just keep praying that she will continue to use the wisdom she demonstrates to me so often, and keep relying on God to guide her steps.
As for me, I am just trying to keep up. Work has been VERY slow, and my co-worker and I are wondering what January will hold for us. But, as Kris said- if the door closes, another will open and perhaps I will like it more. I am grateful for my job, and for the flexibility my boss gives us with the need to take care of kids and all that that entails. I am grateful that I have nights and weekends off. I appreciate the fact that I get a paycheck that is bigger than it would be if I were at McDonald's. But, I don't care for it, never have. The customers are great, for the most part- there is always that unhappy one- I just don't like the job. But, enough of that. I know in this economy, I am lucky to have one. So, I try to keep that and all the perks listed above in my mind.
So, let me leave you with this, and pray that I can remember this myself....

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our Attitudes.” ~Chuck Swindoll

breath of fresh air

2010-06-09T16:45:00.002-04:00

I am not usually a "critic" on this post, but I have to tell you about a concert I was at the other night. It was a free Christian concert in a town not far from here. Chris and Conrad were the headliners with some virtually unknown openers. The first act was good, and I can see them doing well if given the chance. Their name is Living Anthem. The second act, in my mind, was the best act of the night. A new sisters group called "Tal & Acacia". Their music is fun and fresh. A definite breath of fresh air (in my opinion) in the Christian circuit. If you like Norah Jones, Colbie Caillat, Adele, then this group is worth checking out. These girls come across as very sweet and humble and their music puts a spring in your step and lightens your heart. You just might have to buy it.....I did.

WE R OUTTA HERE!!!!

2010-06-05T09:47:00.004-04:00

So, as I write, Kris and I are on our 3rd annual girls weekend! We went last night to see our boys (NKOTB) The concert was GREAT!!! (as usual) and we had a lot of fun. We met up earlier in the day with some girls we met last year and headed into Chicago. We ended up getting a little concerned that we might not make it back in time because of the way the traffic was crawling. We did with plenty of time to spare. Today Kris and I are off to do some shopping......not sure where or what we will find, but guaranteed to be a good time. I mean, shopping always is, isn't it???

In other life aspects, my ex's grandpa died about a week and a half ago. His brother and one of his kids came in from England where they are currently living. He and my nephew came to each of my kids soccer games and watched my daughter march the drumline at the Memorial Day parade. It was good to see them. They will likely be in England another 3 years, as he is going to school there.
My brother and family came home Wednesday evening...we met them as they got off the plane and went to dinner with them. The girls have grown so much!! However, Jordan did beat Alexie by a little in the height department. Alexie was a little taller last year when Jordan went to the Philippines, so Jordan was hoping that she would have her beat when they came home. Which she did. :) They are here until September, so hopefully we will get to see them often.
So, that is life currently. I am still busy (always will be!), but hopefully will be slowing down for a month or two while there is no soccer or football happening. Who am I kidding?!

oh yeah- check out the new "reading for the journey" links......

2010-04-15T16:25:00.002-04:00

This won't be a long post as I am soon on my way out the door. I just wanted to let you know I am still alive and kicking. Still don't have a computer at home, so online is tough. I can't imagine the emails that I will have when I have the chance to sit down and sift through them. The last time I was on for a brief moment looking for something specific, I think I had close to 1000 new. UGH! I am anxious to see my nieces in June when they come home for a visit. It has been 2 years. I imagine they have grown so much! I look at my 2 and see how much they have grown in 2 yrs and I see them everyday! Not many people make me feel short, but my daughter is working on it. It won't be long and she won't have to look up to me at all. She is pretty much there now! It is an interesting thought that I might look up to her in the future. She is doing great and enjoying 7th grade very much!
I will get back on here and do some updating. I can't say when....maybe next Christmas?!? (lol)

Merry Christmas

2009-12-23T16:07:00.004-05:00

I can't believe it is here already. This year has passed in a blur. Another soccer season gone, a daughter gone to the Philippines and back, a summer spent in busyness with the awesome kids in my youth group, a fall of football and more soccer, my daughter becoming a junior higher (eek!), my baby turning 9, and now Christmas. Lights, snow, cookies, family, friends. Something fun a couple of weeks back- I had 6 of the girls from my youth group, including my daughter to the house after church to make cookies. Tiny house, but we had fun! I am hoping to carry the tradition on. It was a good time to get to know them a little better, and them to know each other a little better. Maybe I will mix up what girls come every year. And, they all got to take home some of the goodies. They decorated 62 sugar cookies! WOW! I didn't realize I had baked that many- and there were some left over! They were good though. We will be going to my ex's parents for Christmas Eve. He is still far, far away, so no worries about that. The kids haven't really seen them (except for rare run ins) since last Christmas. This will be our first Christmas in our own place in 3 years. The kids are excited, though I have requested that they wait until at least 6am to wake me up. I may give in on that, but 4am sure is early!
I pray you all have a very Merry and blessed Christmas and that as the New Year comes with all its day to day living and challenges, you find the many (sometimes seemingly little) blessings, and a lot of Grace along the way.
Merry Christmas and Happy 2010

Roadtrip, Turkeys & Christmas Trees

2009-12-01T16:54:00.005-05:00

So, we took a road trip this Thanksgiving. The first in a long time. Some friends of ours recently moved to Harbor Beach, MI (in the thumb- right on Lake Huron) and we thought it would be fun to join them for turkey and shopping this year. A 6 hour drive. Okay, if you don't miss the interchange and end up on the other side of the state! Not to mention that I almost felt like I was in Chicago for part of the journey the way the traffic was creeping along. Part of our trip should have took a mere hour and 45 minutes to get to- yeah. Well, 2 and a half hours later we get there....now moving along at a speedy 45 miles an hour. I don't feel too bad about missing the interchange- cursed Google directions didn't tell me that the road I was following N changes E! Yes, I did read them. It said to follow the road N to my next road......not follow my road N, watch for a switch to head E before finding the next road! AAAAHHHHH!!!! So, the 6 hour drive was truly a 9 hour drive. My kids were fabulous though- which I was a little worried would become World War III before we actually got to our destination. I must admit though, the dvd player that we got as a gift a few years ago came in mighty handy!
We had a great time! We enjoyed the visit, met some of their new friends, checked out their church (my friend is the new children's minister there), and shopped on Black Friday. And shopped. And, shopped. Did I mention that we shopped? We left the house at 6:30am- late for B.F. shopping, but, sleeping in was great. It takes an hour to get to Port Huron from Harbor Beach, so we started at about 7:30am, and stopped about 7:30pm. It was so great though! I love Black Friday shopping! Money or not, good sales or not, I usually am in the throngs of people out there at 5am. My mom and I enjoy the fun of the people (most of the time), seeing what bargains there are, and just the energy of it all. (Mom went with my brother this year.)
The trip home only took about 5 1/2 hours. It helps when you know to make that road change! Oh what a difference!It will not be a trip soon forgotten!
Sunday, after church we put the tree up. The kids were helpful carrying everything up the stairs and helping move furniture so the tree would fit, and even helping carry boxes back downstairs. I think they were so excited to do it this year because it has been 3 years since we have had our own tree, own decorations, and own house to put them up in! It was quite a treasure hunt looking at all the things that had been in storage! The bummer of the evening is that tree lights apparently don't like being unused for that long and so did not work. We only had a few that did, borrowed 2 from mom and we had enough. Praise God! I did find that, the day after Christmas if we go shopping (another fun shopping day for me!), I don't need ornaments or Christmas plates. Apparently though, I need lights!!!
So, did any one out there have an interesting story about this Thanksgiving that will be part of your memory for years? Even getting lost in your hometown counts!! (not me, but someone else qualifies that story!)

Fall is falling

2009-10-27T14:18:00.002-04:00

Football is over and Jordan is done assitant coaching Upwards soccer for the season. And, I am finding that homeownership also requires rake ownership. So, out we went to buy a couple. Though, I do have a leaf blower...which Josiah has found is a lot of fun to use! He uses his imagination quite well, I might add while using it! He has been comical to watch. Then, Jordan realized how easy the leafblower is to use (and fun) and so they split the time between rakes and leaf blower. Fine with me as I have been able to do other things and leave that chore to them! :)
This weekend we had one of my extended family nieces stay with us. They have recently moved and she came back for a visit. We carved pumpkins. She got a bit confused and carved a snowman. Yes, we were listening to Christmas music while carving. We did start later than normal this year, and it was Jordan that pulled it out first. It did make for a cute jack-o-lantern though! I am amazed that it is almost November. This year has just flown by. Only7 months until my nieces come back form their Philippine adventure. And if you want a really scary thought, only 59 days until Christmas!

August already?!?!

2009-07-30T20:39:00.003-04:00

I realize I have a day yet until August, but wow! this summer has FLOWN by! I had to see what my last entry talked about and when it was to even know where to begin! Kris and I enjoyed a totally fun overnight in Chicago at the end of June watching our boys in concert. No "face time" encounters with any of them this time, but we met two other fans and hung with them all day. They live not too far from here, so we are hoping to meet up with them another time.
Jordan and my parents flew to the Philippines and spent time with my brother and his family for two weeks after my last entry. All went well, the trip (at least on their side) went smoothly....my brother and one of my nieces 12 hour trip to meet them at the airplane ended up being quite a bit longer with some mudslides and other issues to deal with, but everyone arrived safe. They arrived home at the end of the journey with many beautiful pictures, lots of memories and a desire to not eat rice again for quite a while!
Jordan was just getting back on a regular sleep schedule when her and 17 other kids from our church went to a local neighborhood and helped with a work project there. It was a Thursday through Sunday trip and they stayed at our Missionary church campground. It was a lot of hard work (not too mention poison ivy!) but they all really enjoyed it and are looking forward to whatever may come next summer! I had to work, but went down and served dinner on Thurday and Friday and spent most of the day there Saturday. Okay, I really didn't serve dinner Friday- I ended up showing up after they were all served after a long wait on the freeway somewhere between here and there with a blown out tire and 2 bolts broken off because they were so rusty. A bit of frustration, but I got to the campground and hung with the kids and did devotions with them. The next morning (because of course it was closing time at the repair shop by the time the tow truck driver got there and we made it to the place), I drove back down (in a borrowed car from one of the adults that stayed with the kids) and picked up my car (with a bit lighter of a wallet!) It was so awesome though to be around these kids, watch them work hard and laugh, and just get to know them better.
Then, last Thursday we took the youth to Cedar Point and had so much fun! It has been quite a long time since I have been there and I love that kind of stuff! We ended up getting rained on most of the day, but they kept the rides open, at least until there was thunder and lightning. That didn't last very long though. I did have one ride that I almost chickened out on, but I went! I made it, screaming all the way!!!!! The ride was the Millennium Force. The initial hill takes you up 310 feet and then the first downhill takes you at an 80* drop down 300 feet! I kept my eyes closed!!! (and SCREAMED!!!) (did I say that already?!!) You can cehck it out if you want to here. Just click on the "point of view"- watch link.
So, now we are winding down on summer. Still lots to do as we start to think about redecorating the youth room and Pulse Fest and.....whatever else may come up.

I thought you fell off the face of the earth....

2009-06-04T20:13:00.003-04:00

.....not quite, though it feels as though my world has been spinning fast enough to throw me into orbit!
Soccer season and school are both done! Soccer season this year kept me plenty busy, but I enjoy every moment of it! Jordan's team (though a different coach- miss you Tom!) was undefeated again this year and Jordan did make a goal! She had a lot of assists and that is usually her part in the team. Josiah's team was not quite so lucky, but he did score a goal, blocked quite a few when he was goalie and even had an assist or two. They both had fun, and Josiah is now gearing up for football in the fall!
We are revamping our youth program at church. We don't have a youth pastor, but we do have an associate pastor that oversees our youth program and sponsors (like me) that help, teach, mentor and whatever. There are some new sponsor faces in the program (like me again) and that has kept me busy! So far we have had some long meetings almost every 2 weeks, but it is exciting! For the first time in a few years the youth program will continue through the summer instead of stopping and picking back up in the fall. We are also doing a very short short-term mission project to a local neighborhood that is buying foreclosed houses and rebuilding them and placing Christian families in the houses to give the kids in the neighborhood that have no where to go a sense of family, while learning life skills in the home. ( sonnyvilla) On top of that we are revamping the youth rooms and will have a big reveal at the end of the summer.
Next on the list would be my little girl turning 12 and getting ready to fly far, far away! Jordan will be leaving for the Philippines Saturday to do some missions work and visit her aunt, uncle and cousins for 2 weeks! (Garden of Grace; Dancing with Daddy) I am a bit anxious, but know that she is in God's hands. Her uncle is looking forward to harassing her as it has been over a year and he needs someone new to pick on besides his daughters!
I would like to say this is last on the list, but it isn't.....my computer died about a month ago. Dead. Deceased. Not gonna ever work again type of thing. The motherboard (sounds a bit UFO-ish to me) was fried. We finally hooked up my brothers (the one not in the Philippines), but I just haven't had the time to worry about it! (If you aren't sure why, just reread this post from the beginning, then skip to the next paragraph....)
So, I think this is the last, except for the everyday things like work and kids and church and yadda, yadda, yadda. Okay, so here we go...
I GOT A HOUSE!!! It is a rental, but it has 3 bedrooms and a basement and it is ours!!! It was kind of a quick thing and we had to get moving (literally!). It is so cool that when we get irritated with each other we can go into our room and close the door! Or, I can send a kid to their room when there is a bit too much attitude coming my way! It is a nice little house with a yard just big enough for me to take care of. Something I can handle. It is in the city limits though, so I am still getting used to the noise, but it is a house! It is ours!
I just thought I should drop in. Not sure when I will be back, but I will be back!

soccer, seems so soon, seats- so crazy

2009-04-02T22:15:00.003-04:00

What a week. One of those kind that you run out of the door after work screaming. Okay, it's in your head, not out loud, but you know what I mean. Soccer has started, so we dropped Jordan's piano lessons for now. So, between the strange hours at work, and practices and church, and soon to be games, I will be amazed if I don't pass out from not being able to catch my breath. Another shocking thing is that school will be out in less than 8 weeks!!! Crazy. Jordan will be heading to the Philippines for a much awaited visit to her cousins...aunt and uncle too. It will be strange to have her gone for two weeks and with the knowledge that I can't just go drive and pick her up if need be. Josiah and I will be hanging out together in the hours I am off work. I will have to think of some fun stuff to do. He probably would be thrilled if I spent my time playing on the PS2 with him! Well, Kris and I have decided that another NKOTB concert is in order, so April 10th when they go on sale, we will be one of the masses calling to reserve our seats! This time we are praying for no flat tires!! But, we would certainly take meeting a (or all the) guy(s) again and getting hugs!! ~smile~

Life and famine

2009-03-09T19:20:00.005-04:00

I know it has been quite a long time since I have been on here. Most nights I have absolutely no desire to go near the computer, and in the off night I do find myself drawn to it's glow, I have other things on my mind to do than a post of the comings and goings of my life. Tonight however I am drawn to the keys and the slight glow of the screen. There is a mystery of the words that are jumbled in my head that I am wanting to send into cyberspace for any and all that happen by to read that is calling me.
Wow, quite philosophical sounding considering I have nothing real deep to say. Just that normal day to day life....stuff....that seems to keep one going.
Work has been busy and for that I suppose I am grateful because it means that I continue to have a job. Some days I have to pray more than others that my attitude will adjust or that I can make it through without saying something I may later regret. I am a pretty laid back person and that is sometimes what gets me into trouble. That coupled with the fact that I do not like confrontation so will often do whatever I can to avoid it. (Yes, I realize all the bad things about that- but sometimes you are who you are.) I also am afraid that if I started to become one of those people that said what was on their mind I would inflict much unnecessary hurt. I figure if it gets to the point I need to say something, it has gotten bad.
Enough about that.
Last week, I was home sick with strep throat. Not my idea of fun, nor a way I really wanted to use my personal time, but what can you do. I slept a lot, and though I often thought of jumping on here and catching up with my cyber life, I didn't feel like it. I felt like...sleeping. The bummer part of this was that our youth group at church had a 30 hour famine for World Vision this weekend. I was to help out. I did get to help, but not like I had hoped. I stayed home Friday night and also missed the service project, but I hung out Saturday afternoon to evening with them. I also could not participate in the fast because I needed food to take my medicine. (I know that may sound like a better deal, but I was truly looking forward to all of it!)
We had 15 youth participate, raising around $900 to go towards World Vision. They quit eating at 12:30pm on Friday and didn't eat again until 6:30pm Saturday. They played tribe games while learning about communities without food or drinkable water. They did an outdoor service project in a local community early Saturday morning until around "lunchtime". They even had some blisters to prove it! With devotional times and some free time in between, it was a good thing. I realize they had not even an inkling of what it is like to starve or live in an area that has no running water or drinkable water for that matter, for 30 hours, a new thought was put into their heads. An inkling of what life may be like elsewhere. Hopefully a seed or two was planted. Isn't that what the idea of something like that is anyway? To put a thought that there is someone besides themselves- to put a thought that perhaps there is SOMETHING they can do?
What are you doing to improve the world around you?
Who are you touching with the love and light of Christ?
You don't have to go far. Maybe just next door. Maybe through a phone call. Maybe through a donation wisely made. You don't even have to give up food for 30 hours to do it.

Interested in World Vision? visit World Vision
Interested in 30 hour famine? visit 30 hour famine

Winter or Spring?

2009-02-11T07:20:00.003-05:00

It is February 11th, and it is 51* outside this morning. Talk about a heat wave! The snow is gone and the fog has rolled in because it is raining. Yesterday we hit a high in the 60's. Of course, jackets were mostly forgotten. Today won't be much different. We are to drop again overnight after a day of thunderstorms, so we will see what happens. They are calling for snow by week's end. People always say, "If you don't like the weather, wait 15 minutes." That's about sums this week up!

You thought I wouldn't get it done.....

2009-01-21T06:16:00.004-05:00

Just another day....

2009-01-20T21:36:00.003-05:00

Lately, my attitude has been rather.......crappy. Today, thank God, I am in a pretty decent mood. Amazing, since I had to work late tonight. I have prayed, I have asked, but it is just hard to get out of. I can find all kinds of things to be thankful for, and I do try to remember them when I am getting frustrated and moody. I can't say it has helped much. I have occasional days like this that I am in a decent mood, and life is okay. But, for the most part here lately, be afraid, be very afraid. I can go from my normal mode (whatever that may be), to very emotional, to downright witchy. This is part of the reason I have not been on much. Too moody. Don't feel like it. Don't have anything to say....at least not anything that you may want to hear. Even as I sit here typing, I just want to sit here and whine. I know that won't really do any good, and it's not really anything anybody wants to hear anyway. I mean, we all have our struggles.....
So, there you go. I apologize for my absence, I have just not been very....friendly....lately.

So, now that I have filled you in with me....
my kids have been out of school since last Thursday! They had Thursday and Friday off due to the snow and frigid temps, and then Monday off for MLK, JR Day, and today was a training day for teachers. Tomorrow it will be fun times in the morning waking them up after sleeping in so many days! I think Grandma is ready to send them back.

This weekend we had our local Ice Festival. I will try to get some pictures on here soon of that. I was going to post some pictures of a few weeks ago at Lake Michigan, but blogger is not allowing me to open the download link. Maybe tomorrow if I get the chance.

Thursday Thoughts

2009-01-01T09:20:00.002-05:00

We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.
Edith Lovejoy Pierce

We spend January 1 walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives... not looking for flaws, but for potential.
Ellen Goodman

Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right.

Oprah Winfrey

A Christmas Pondering

2008-12-22T18:17:00.004-05:00

Luke 1:31-38 " ....You will become pregnant and have a son, and you are to name him Jesus. He will be very great and will be called the Son of the Most High....Mary asked the angel, "But how can I have a baby? I am a virgin." The angel replied, "The Holy Spirit will come upon you and the power of the Most High will overshadow you. So the baby born to you will be holy, and he will be called the Son of God.....For nothing is impossible with God." Mary responded, "I am the Lord's servant, and I am willing to accept whatever he wants. May everything you have said come true." And then the angel left.

In a time when co-habitation was not a consideration, and an out of wedlock pregnancy meant being stoned, the angel appeared bringing the proclamation of a Savior, and a miracle. This young, soon to be married girl is told mind blowing news. She will become pregnant and her child will be the Son of God.
She could have said no. She could have hesitated, asking to think about it. After all, this is going to dramatically change everything! How will Joseph respond? What will happen when the community finds out? She knew the consequences being pregnant and not being married. Would they listen to her explanation, would they believe her account?
Mary did not hesitate. Did not ask to sleep on it and get back to him. The only question she asked was "how?" Mary did not hesitate. Not only did she say yes, she said, "....I am willing to accept whatever he wants..."
Wow. No hesitation. No questions asked. She was willing. She was trusting in God to make the path, to guide her. SHE WAS WILLING. I look in my heart today and wonder...would I be so willing? Would I really lay aside all hesitation, all concerns and questions, all my desires? Can I say with a true heart, "I am willing to accept whatever he wants?"

I sure do like those Christmas cookies!!!

2008-12-15T18:54:00.013-05:00

A tradition was started 15 years ago....I joined in about 10 or so years ago. The second Saturday in December, we get together with a few of my ex-MIL's siblings and bake, bake, bake all day! We enjoy lunch together (and dessert!!) and take home oodles of Christmas treats! It is an all girls day, and a great way for my daughter to get to know some of her aunts and cousins better that she doesn't see very often. Through the years, the crowd has grown, the location has changed, and changed again. The crowd has thinned due to room and busy schedules and moves, but those that come always have a good time. Some treats are made beforehand, but many are baked there. This year I got a lesson in making a Jewish bread called "Kirmish" or "Mandel Bread". It seems similar to biscotti. I thought I would share some of treats and fun with you. Enjoy!

Jell-O Cookies

chocolate & peanut butter for Puppy Chow

YUM! DESSERT!!

the lesson

the product (Kirmish)

caught in the act!!

Great Grandma & Jordan

Have a very Merry CHRISTmas!

~Blessings~

Thursday Thoughts

2008-12-11T07:30:00.003-05:00

you know the saying...

"When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."

what if your lemons are extra sour and you're out of sugar??

Only 26 Days 'til Christmas

2008-11-29T21:07:00.005-05:00

It amazes me that tomorrow is the last day of November! This was a short work week for me. I was home sick Monday, and then had Wednesday through the rest of the week off. It was a blessing. Though I have been feeling better, I have not felt fabulous. Kris realized that I was home Wednesday and she had an hour or so without kids, so we went and had coffee. That was a blessing! Then, my other best friend was home for a visit from Florida, and her family came over for a bit.
Thursday we spent with my ex's parents. I know it sounds a bit strange, but we visit them and stay in contact. Sadly, there was elbow room at the table with his brother and family moved to England, but it was an enjoyable time.
Black Friday was spent as it should be....SHOPPING!! I went with another friend and her teenage daughter. We started at 4:30am and ended about 2pm. It was all good. We found a couple of good deals, but mostly enjoyed the time together. My brother kept my kids and they put up the Christmas tree. Then Kris and most of her family brought dinner and we spent the evening playing cards.
Today, we traveled to an antique toy show about an hour away....well, my brother and son did. They dropped Jordan and I off at the mall. (Sounded like more fun to me!) Jordan and I had a good time together, and the boys did too!
Mom and Dad have been in Nebraska since Tuesday. It has been nice to have the house pretty much to ourselves. They will be home tomorrow, and we will all prepare to go back to school and work. This blessed vacation has ended much too soon!

I've been tagged...twice!!!

2008-11-12T22:16:00.004-05:00

I know, I know...2 posts in one night!!! I would wait, but then I may never get it done. I am however going to combine the 2 tags.
I was tagged by Barb at SPOTLIS.blogspot.com & Kris at doulangel.wordpress.com

Here are the rules:1. Link to the person or persons who tagged you. 2. Post the rules on your blog. 3. Write eight random things about yourself. 4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them. 5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog 6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

1. I love ice cream....Breyers vanilla bean is my favorite!!!

2. I love the smell of, but hate the taste of coffee!!! Give me a Chai or Steamer any day!

3. I like crazy socks and don't care if they match what I am wearing.

4. Earrings...funky, big, long, just not little....gotta wear them!

5. My favorite drawings my kids ever gave me were when they were little and just scribbled on a blank piece of paper.

6. Someday I want to go to Scotland.

7. Someday I want to go on a hot air balloon ride.

8. In my high school yearbook I said that in 10 years I would own my own recording studio!

I am bending the rules a little....I am going to tag all 4 of my nieces at dancingwithdaddy.blogspot.com, and that will be it...I do hope they join in the fun!

Happy Birthday with a side of Chicken...pox

2008-11-12T21:41:00.006-05:00

Josiah turned 8 Saturday. We, of course, did the 8 yr old boy thing to do and went to Chuck E. Cheese. I don't have big birthday parties for my kids anymore. I give them a list of choices, and depending on what they pick determines how many people they can invite. He was able to invite 3 other kids. This, of course, was difficult. We went through kids, and changed the list, and changed the list again, and well maybe this person would be good. Anyway, he picked his 3, we called and let them know. This is not his first party there. His sister had a few there. BUT, this was his first Saturday party there! Previous parties were always on a weekday after school. Those were MUCH better. There were SO many, many people. Thank God we got there fairly early, because by the time 6:30 hit and we were on our way out, they weren't letting anymore people in. People were standing in the little foyer area between the doors, and out the door, and down the sidewalk....in the rain....and cold. It took us probably close to 5 minutes to get out the door because there were so many people waiting to get in, we could not get out. I know what you are thinking...I am stretching it just a bit. I wish I was. We did, thankfully, manage to get out once we got moving, but man alive!! That was CRAZY!!

So, we go to church Sunday, go to lunch with my parents and brother, and head to another birthday party for a friend's 2 boys. (No, not twins, not even the same day...but, a week- and a few years- apart.) We come home and the kids are getting their pj's on, and Jordan tells Josiah to come see me. He has a rash on his back. Not just any rash....oh no.....it's chicken pox. By morning it had gotten worse. By Monday night, he was covered. Happy Birthday to you.....

So, he has been home from school all week. Itchy, spotty (though he won't let me connect the dots), tired and all the other fun stuff. Last night was rough and he cried because it was so itchy. (He has really not complained much at all...which has been a blessing.) Today has been kind of hard on him because he started running a fever. (No, he didn't have one before he got them, or during the fist stages.) He is still doing pretty good though. It is drying up, so hopefully he will be back in school at some point next week. Jordan is of course being the doctor and the mother hen. Sometimes with okay results, other times the patient has no patience. (good training as she wants to be a pediatrician when she grows up.)

So, that's the latest happenings around here. Glad football and soccer are over!

Too much drama...

2008-11-07T07:00:00.003-05:00

...too little house.

A preteen girl, her mother, and her grandmother....

need I say more?!

I am so tired of all this!

Most of the time, the issue is not the daughter and the mother (though that happens it's fair share) yet, the mother is always in the middle. (Feeling much like the monkey.)

I feel like a rubberband about to snap. And, I don't know if it one of those firm rubber bands that when it snaps, it hurts like crazy, or one of those powdery, falling apart ones that when you pull it too far, it just comes apart.

It's been a rough morning...and night last night...and......

It's beginning to look a lot like.....Christmas?

2008-10-28T19:16:00.007-04:00

Last Sunday......

Last night.......

yep, that's snow. it actually covered the ground and was still there this morning. i had to clean off my car!

Pumpkin Carving....Calvin style....

2008-10-24T09:38:00.002-04:00

It's falling.....

2008-10-18T09:57:00.002-04:00

outside that is. It is that time of year that the leaves change colors and blanket the ground in oranges, browns, reds, and yellows. The time of year for bonfires, frost and pumpkins. Football is almost done, and soccer will be done today.
I have a short clip of Josiah's last football game, and a few pics to post, but am unsure right now where my cord is, so it will have to be done another time. Josiah's game last week was fun to watch. Since we had a huge lead on the other team, Josiah was able to play quite a bit. (Unlike Optimist programs, they only have to play each player on rocket for 4 plays- so, him being a first year and a younger player, we are lucky when he gets to play.) He usually plays defensive line on the back line, but last week he got to play on the defensive front line and was actually in on a tackle! This week I am not holding my breath that he will play as it is rumored that the team we are playing has not lost a game in 2 years. There is always a first though!
I was unable to go to Jordan's game last week as I had to work, so am glad that I will be able to see her last one for the season. They have done well, and she has scored a few times. Lost a couple, won a couple and tied one.
This past week has been a trial with my kids. It seems that we can't be on the same page or with the same attitude. Getting chores and homework done has been more of a fight than usual, along with just......everything. My parents will be going to visit my mom's sister over the Thanksgiving holiday, and for that I am grateful. They may be taking an extended weekend to go see the changing leaves in the next weekend. I love them, and I am very grateful for everything they do for us, but the room to breathe will be appreciated to.....for us as much as them.
I am starting to think Christmas presents and keeping my eyes open for bargains. That way I don't have to try to do it all at once. It will be a different Christmas this year as my brother and family are so far away in the Philippines and my ex's brother and his family (wife & 3 children) will be moving to England in November. (We still keep in contact with my ex's family, so it will be different with them gone.) And, I know the kids are missing their dad in Hawaii. I am sure all this has been part of my daughters attitude. She does not do well with change, and she tends to stress easy. We will get through, just like everything else.
Work is keeping me busy, and home life hasn't been much slower. Perhaps once the sports are done. I have to admit, I have a new outlook on people who consider themselves "homebodies." I am sometimes jealous. When I was not working, by the time everyone else got home, I was ready to do something. Now, I am wondering when the next night we are able to stay home will be. But, I also know that I love that my kids are in sports (and with that comes practice), Jordan is in music (which requires practice and lessons), they enjoy the church youth and children's functions, and Jordan is involved in her school's student council (which is only one night a month, but it's still another night.) I look at all that and think how busy it makes my plate. I am not one of those parents that pushes my kids so that they will become professional football players, or the next great pianist, or the next President. I believe if that it was God has for them, and that is what they desire to do, they can do that. I love the fact that they are able to try. To search. To see if this is something that is for them. And there are the benefits of gaining leadership skills, determination, discipline and confidence. And in it all, I pray they see how beautifully God made them....how He shaped not only their bodies, but their abilities.....and put in them the desire to do.....whatever it is He has for them. I know this is pretty deep for rocket football and piano lessons, but didn't God create these abilities and desires in us? Who knows how He plans to use them in us if we only allow Him to.

AWESOME!!!!

2008-10-09T20:24:00.003-04:00

Kris and I had a great time in Chicago! It was fun. We laughed alot, I GOT TO HUG DONNIE!!!!!, we relived our junior high years, I GOT TO HUG DONNIE!!!, we got a flat tire, we got lost, I GOT TO GET GREAT PICTURES OF DONNIE!!!!, we screamed, and we had a GREAT time! Truth be told, we both wish we could go back to Chicago when they are there on the 24th, tickets or not....though tickets would be preferred!

I will catch up some more later, but I have some things that need done, and I need to do them while it's fairly calm around here.

Later.

Qwik Klips

2008-09-27T21:06:00.007-04:00

Thought I would share a few pics and a short video. The video is of Jordan's Upward soccer game (notice how small the goal is!! and sorry about the vocals...I have never used my camera to take a video before, so was unaware that it also recorded sound....ah well!), and the pics are from our local festival's little kids parade last week.

Enjoy!

I am hoping to get a short clip of Josiah playing football on here next.....

Ronald McDonald refers to little Ronald here as the "under 3 toy".

These next two are especially for Uncle Tom.....it's not center, but he's getting there!

I thought I would type a quick line or two, since I am after all already on here....

Life is moving quickly. I can't believe we are at the end of September already. More shocking is that I have already posted a couple other times this month, and I am posting again!!! I will admit to the fact that I have already listened to Christmas music, though it was only one time so far. I also can't believe that next weekend Kris and I are heading to Chicago to see New Kids On The Block!!! (Pastor Ted, if you are reading this, yes, I can still probably list most the "facts" about the guys, at least the old facts, but I also now know where the Great Commission is found!....Matthew 28:16 to the end....see I was listening!!) Jordan is totally enjoying 6th grade...she loves band, and woodshop. I think it is really cool that they have woodshop in 6th grade for you to take, and I also think it is cool that my daughter is learning percussion! Josiah is awesome in math and they have had swimming lessons at the YMCA the last 2 weeks and he has done fabulously! I am very proud of them both. I do wish my work schedule was a bit different so I could be with them more, but I am blessed that I have a job. I know that I am doing what I can to provide the best I can at this spot in my life.
Well, I have to get up early in the morning tomorrow as I am on the worship team. So, goodnight all..........zzzz.......

2 days off

2008-09-16T20:49:00.004-04:00

....too bad they weren't my days off! No, the kids had no school for 2 days. It's not even snowing yet! Though we are this far north, hurricane Ike sent us quite a bit of rain....almost a terrential downpouring for almost 3 days! It made some basements flooded, and some roads impassable. I think I spent more time this last weekend in soaking wet clothes than I did dry!

Friday night, we went to the local high schools football game because the Rocket Football kids went out on the field at half time. Thankfully that night it was not pouring, just drizzling to make the field slippery and the benches wet. Saturday morning, however, was another story! By 7:30am, Jordan's soccer game had been cancelled because the field had ankle deep water. Josiah's game however was still on. No thunder or lightning, and his field had better drainage. Trust me though, we parents were still standing in puddles! I donned a poncho, and umbrella and still ended up with wet clothes. I went straight to work afterward, changing only my shoes, hoping my socks weren't so wet that they would not dry out in dry shoes. After a short 3 hour shift, my socks were still wet, as were my pants. I changed went to WalMart to pick up a few snacks for the ND/UofM game and headed to Kris's to watch the game. Between my car and her door, I was dripping. You would think it would end there.....no. After a bit of game watching, I left Josiah to play and took Jordan to a youth group party. Unable to find the house, I pulled into a drive to ask where it may be, and a car had broke down beside the road. He asked for jumper cables. I jumped out and checked my trunk...no cables. (I will have to remedy that soon.) In that small amount of time, I was once again......dripping. Literally. Come Sunday, just going from the car to a store, to the car, to another store to the car again made me terribly soaked. We drove through a couple different parking lots and the kids would say "Mom, look at the waves!" I watched a woman get out of her car and wade through ankle deep water to go to Fashion Bug!

Needless to say, it continued to rain into Sunday night, and some on Monday (though nowhere near as hard), making some roads difficult for buses to go down, so school was cancelled. Today was bright and sunny, and they are calling for temps to head back up toward the 80's by the weekend.

The grass is a beautiful shade of green though, and hopefully we will get a brilliant display of autumn coloring this year.

Thursday Thoughts....9/11

2008-09-11T19:42:00.005-04:00

“Time is passing. Yet, for the United States of America, there will be no forgetting September the 11th. We will remember every rescuer who died in honor. We will remember every family that lives in grief. We will remember the fire and ash, the last phone calls, the funerals of the children. “- President George W. Bush, November 11, 2001

“Now, we have inscribed a new memory alongside those others. It’s a memory of tragedy and shock, of loss and mourning. But not only of loss and mourning. It’s also a memory of bravery and self-sacrifice, and the love that lays down its life for a friend–even a friend whose name it never knew. “- President George W. Bush, December 11, 2001

Give Me Your Eyes

2008-09-03T21:20:00.001-04:00

PICTURES!!!! (really)

2008-08-27T23:11:00.003-04:00

just a sampling.......

While I am waiting.........

2008-08-27T22:19:00.003-04:00

I am trying to download pictures on to photobucket to get them on here for you...however, while I am waiting (and by the way, I am not promising they will make it on here tonight...it's late! but I am going to try) I thought I would post a little something.

Today, I go online to check my online account -because I am waiting for my reimbursement check from my trip comes through before the rest of my things do- and I want to see where things are at. There is a strange transaction there. It's not a huge amount...only $12.95. But, it's not mine...I didn't make it. It's for a website called Napster. I am not huge on computer info, or much into the whole techie thing. I have found out though that Napster is a site (for anyone like me who did not know...) where you can buy music downloads. Ya know, for your MP3, or i pod or whatever. I don't own one...not even an Mp3. So, why would I go there and buy.....espescially almost $13 worth?! So, I had to contact the bank, have them cancel my card, reissue a new one, and wait to see what they find since I have diputed this transaction. Should be fun.
On another note....every time I go back into my photobucket tab, it kicks me out of blogger. I have one thing going for me...no one can ever call me a GEEK. Though anymore, I think that's a compliment...(roll eyes here...)
Before I finish this up, I want to wish Alayna a HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Though here it's not your birthday yet, I hope you are celebrating your little heart out! I love you!
On a final note before I go back to photobucket...
I have not done a Thursday Thought for awhile, so here you go.....

"The men who followed Him (Jesus) were unique in their generation. They turned the world upside down because their hearts had been turned right side up. The world has never been the same." ~ Billy Graham

A new post AND pictures....don't faint from the shock!

2008-08-24T16:20:00.005-04:00

I was going to post some pictures on here, but not only is my computer giving me greif, my daughter is trying to make cookies on her own, asking me a dozen questions while she is doing it, and my son has a friend over and he needs a million different things. I thought with them both occupied, I could sit down and "play" for a bit.....update my blog, add some much awaited pics, check email, whatever. But, all I am getting is frustration. Not too mention all the work that I have to catch up on because I was gone all but Friday of this last week, out of town for training is all going through my head. I am exhausted, and anxious. My job, as I have mentioned before, is going to be changing, and starting this week, my hours change. I am not really looking forward to it, but feel stuck.
Anyway, this is not where I planned to take this post today.
So, my last post, I was saying that I would be taking Jordan to the Corbin Bleu concert, and would post pictures if I could. Well, the concert was a lot of fun, and we waited around, and waited around, and she ended up with an autograph and a picture with him. (From his opening act- Justin Stein, too.) It was a lot of fun, and I would love to share the pics with you, but am fed up trying to get them on here right now.
Last Saturday we joined in the fun of the World Pulse Festivel. A conglomeration of 5 groups for a free concert, the only catch being no coolers or outside food allowed, which makes for a pretty hefty bill for food and drink. We were blessed enough to join another family for sandwiches by their van, but being close to 90* put it necessary for lots of fluids. We watched C3, Mandissa, Skillet, Toby Mac, and Casting Crowns. Lots of fun, but very, very hot. There is no shade where it is held, and I ended up sunsick and a bit dehydrated anyway. But, the kids were fine, and had a good time, though Josiah said next year he will stay home.
This week, I was gone for training all week, came home Thursday night. Saturday, Josiah had a football scrimmage all morning long. They played half field games , 2 going at the same time, and then changing teams. I have to say I was a bit disappointed since he played a total of less than a minute for the 3 games they played. They put him in the 1st game for one play, then the second game for 1 play, and not at all the 3rd game. It was a long time to sit, and early getting up for that. It was pretty hard to get him there in the first place because he would have liked to stay in bed and watch cartoons, but I told him he had to go, then he didn't get played. I realize this is his first year, but how can one learn if they are not helped along the way? How is sitting on the sidelines going to do any good? I kept this to myself as he came off the field, and told him he did a good job while he was out there and I was proud of him. I was. He got up, went, and was involved, if only watching.
My brother helped me, so I think I can post some pics....some are from our trip to the water park, some from Corbin Bleu, and there may be some other miscellaneous things I toss on here....enjoy!
(and now that I have you on the edge of your seat, I can't get the stupid pics to download.....I will try again later this week.....sorry!)

continuing in the chaos....

2008-08-12T20:23:00.005-04:00

Wow...I guess it has been awhile! I know I said I would have some pictures to post, but let's face it...I am not that patient when it comes to getting on here, and it's a miracle in itself that I am here at all. So, we will leave it at that tonight, and perhaps someday I will just empty my camera's memory on here, and I will have a "wordless" post. (Keep in mind, I did say someday, so don't hold your breath...you may pass out.)
This is one of those months where you breath in to try to catch a breath and then, you breathe out and it is half over. I can't believe it is the 12th already!! Kids will be heading back to school soon, the Upwards soccer will be starting next week, and rocket football has begun. (Josiah looks too cute in his football pads!) Of course, with that comes my favorite time of year, so I am excited. The other day I found this fabulous sweater on clearance, in autumn colors, and it was very hard not to wear it. But, I thought with temps in the 80's, I might be in a puddle by the time the day was over. We have had some strange weather lately however. Saturday, we were out at a reunion, and it was rather chilly. A few people had blankets or sweatshirts in the cars, and put them on. Next thing you knew, it was a downpour in rain, and then after the rain, it warmed up a little. Sunday was beautiful, and the breeze kept it cool, which is more my type of weather.
There is a lot of changes taking place in at my office in the next couple of weeks. I am a bit nervous about them for the most part. I have a hard enough time liking my job as it is. I wish I could say it would be minor changes, but these are pretty massive. In fact, it will almost be a completely different job. Let's say a change in management, hours, the basic structure (due to the whole "new management" thing), a change in benefits. The new management is very nice. It's just the whole idea. Let's say the fear of the unknown. I always said that I liked change. And, in many things I do. I relish it. And perhaps this will help the way I feel about my job. Maybe I will enjoy it more. It scares me though that I may enjoy it even less. I will keep you updated on that situation.
Today while I was at lunch, I was hit pretty hard with the fact that I miss my kids. I don't know where it came from, it just hit. I mean, I see them every night, but I don't feel like I really see them. I was a stay at home mom for 7 years, and though I had my days that I wished I worked outside of the home, I liked being with them. I would be there now, if I could. I always hoped I could be active in their school stuff and be home when they got off the bus, and their friends could hang out at our house. Life is what it is, and I am willing to accept that I am here for now. Doesn't mean I have to like it. The feeling just made me whiny about the situation.
Tomorrow, I am taking Jordan to a Corbin Bleu concert. He is one of the guys in High School Musical. I bought the tickets months ago. I am leaving work early, and we are going. She is excited. I told Josiah that perhaps him and I could go to a football game later this fall. (Now I just have to find a way to get the tickets.)
Next week I am out of town for work. It is one of those mixed emotion things. The above feelings (missing my kids), mixed with I get a hotel room by myself, can go to dinner wherever I want, and it's all paid for. It's hard to complain too much. But, I really will miss my kids, and would rather be home with them, if I could.
This has been a kind of cool thing.....the last few weeks, we have finally gotten a web cam and service set up so that we can chat with my brother and family. The kids have totally enjoyed it, and we have a day that we have set to talk with them when they first get out of bed in the morning, while we are eating dinner in the evening. It's been fun to have this type of communication. We are praying for them as they are trying to get their long term missionary visas approved so that they do not have to make a 6 hour trip every couple of months and pay the crazy fee to keep the short term visa going. (the VISA version of Calvinball, as my brother would say.) So, please pray that it will all come together. (If you would like to read more of their adventures, or just a better explanation of Calvinball, check out http://www.Garden-of-Grace.blogspot.com.)

A day away

2008-07-30T21:09:00.002-04:00

I am so excited. It's such a small thing really, but nevertheless, I am excited! My children and I (just the 3 of us!!) are going away for a night. It is only a night and it is not very far, but it is just us! It is much needed. We are going to a hotel that has an indoor water park and we will be staying the night. The kids are ecstatic. I am taking my the last remenants of my personal time and leaving early tomorrow and staying through Friday. We will make our way back, with no hurry, and relax and enjoy. I am looking forward to getting away, and getting away with them. I think this will be fun too! I even bought a bathing suit- which was not a fun ordeal. I haven't bought one in years, and am not so sure that I am glad that I now have one, other than it will be fun to join my kids. I will be sure to take my camera, and maybe even take a moment or two to share in the photos when I return. (None of me in the above mentioned suit, thanks!)

guest post-nkotb

2008-07-24T15:52:00.002-04:00

Hey! Kris here, I came across this acrticle and thought it was too funny. It was, in fact, Ronnie and I about oh, 17 (let's see, 33 minus 17, hmm, ya that's right!!) years ago. We were just a bit older and actually got to go to the concerts alone. (I would NEVER allow my daughter to go to a concert unaccompanied by an adult!!) Ronnies favorite was/is Donnie, mine was/is Danny. Enjoy!!...

Donnie Wahlberg is 38 years old. 38. And I think Danny Wood is even older.

I don’t know why I should be so shocked. After all, I’m thirtysomething, too.

I’m thirtysomething, and I’m going to buy New Kids on the Block tickets and go see them when they come through Houston in October as part of their reunion tour.

The first time I saw the New Kids perform was on January 8, 1990 (a date committed to memory). The show was at the Capital Centre in Landover, Maryland (now demolished), and I was 13 years old. I wore fresh white Keds with no laces, frosted pink lipstick from the drugstore, and I sat next to my BFF forever, Lisa (now a mother and nurse practitioner). With my own babysitting money, I bought a black baseball cap with neon green and pink lettering on the front that spelled out New Kids on the Block. Lisa bought a Donnie T-shirt.

My dad took us.

That night, Lisa violently hit my left thigh over and over, blissfully screaming for Donnie Wahlberg, who was roughly two football fields away from us. I hollered for Joey McIntyre (birthday December 31, middle name Mulrey). Lisa’s punching left a bruise on my leg the size of a dinner plate, and in gym the next day, I told everyone I’d run into my bedpost. (At my suburban Catholic school, it wasn’t cool to like the New Kids.)

When I found out NKOTB were getting back together, I called Lisa and started laughing and screaming at the same time. I went to their Web site. I watched them perform on Rockefeller Plaza during their appearance on “The Today Show,” and when the first notes of “Step by Step” hit my ears, I felt little warm tears form in my eyes, no joke.

Once, almost 20 years ago, I saved gossip-filled notes written during class with purple ink on pink pages ripped from pink spiral notebooks. I spent hours in my bedroom on my very own phone that I’d totally had to beg for, a phone I’d decorated with bright red nail polish, a phone that I clung to even as my mother picked up the extension and said, “You’ve been on LONG ENOUGH!” I did MASH over and over again until my future life had me married to Joey McIntyre, living in a mansion, driving a red Mustang, and mothering four daughters named Savannah, Delilah, Alabama and Victoria. (As for career, I considered fashion designer or interior designer, natch.) When Lisa and I got together for sleepovers, we ate raw cookie dough straight from the tube without thinking about calories, stayed up late to watch “Friday Night Videos,” traded posters from BOP, The Big Bopper, Tiger Beat and 16, and believed with every cell in our bodies that We Would One Day Meet Donnie and Joey And They Would Marry Us.

We believed it. We believed it like we believed in God.

Flash forward and now I’m thirtysomething. I’m married to Mr. Pop Rocks, who is not Joey McIntyre, but who gently refers to my New Kids love as “kind of the way I feel about Alice Cooper.” I have a mortgage, life insurance, and the only kind of “interior designing” I have done recently is pick out two couches at Star Furniture Outlet. Oh, and I’m only now contemplating motherhood (probably much too late to pop out four).

Why do we hang on to elements of our youth? It’s not like I’m not happy now. Of course I am. I’m as happy as the proverbial clam, most of the time. But I suppose that there isn’t really anything that compares with the pure, unadulterated and totally awesome sensation of seeing the group you totally love with all your heart and soul and devote your every waking minute to live on stage as your BFF slaps you over and over, equally stunned with excitement. Like the first swallow of raw cookie dough on a Friday night, like the first time you read good gossip on pink paper ripped from a spiral, youth means something because the first time – good or bad – is always the most memorable.

Of course, I’m banking on the second time ranking pretty high up there, too. Which is why I am totally going to buy tickets to see the New Kids on the Block. And I can’t freaking wait! – Jennifer Mathieu

OH! and btw-we already bought our tickets! October 4th, Chicago here we come!!!!

Wear are you?

2008-07-21T20:08:00.006-04:00

FREE

HUGS

This is a shirt I read tonight I while I was at the store picking up cat food and milk. I have to admit it gave me lots to think about on the way home. I wondered what the guy (a rather cute young guy) would think if I took him up on the offer?! I honestly thought about going back, just to find out. It was too funny, thinking about some of the people that you may see on an ordinary day deciding to take that free hug.....after all, everyone can use a hug now and then, right?!.....

I wonder how quickly he would have burned it!!

Ramblings....

2008-07-18T20:26:00.005-04:00

I finally made it! I was on the computer last night with the hopes to check my email and put on a new post (I know it's difficult to believe, but it is all true!). However, the wonderful world of wireless internet said the signal was low. In the hopes that it was some strange phenomena, I restarted the computer and it then told me the signal was very low. And let me tell you, it was. I couldn't sign out of anywher once it finally signed in. I couldn't navigate through pages or nothing. After about 45 minutes of irritation and frustration, I signed off and went to bed. This morning, I jumped on before work to check some email from my brother and family (very important stuff there!) and it was no better. So, I resigned myself to the fact that if I wanted to do anything, it would not be then. So, here I am. Believe it or not, at the moment I have nothing else to do anyway. I am actually home on a Friday night. That could be because I have to work for part of the day tomorrow, but I won't dwell on that.
So, I have checked my build up of some 200 and some odd emails....deleting many without even opening them for the pure and simple fact that I don't feel like entertaining the spam tonight. I will admit that most days I enjoy them. It's a nice laugh most of the time, and I realize that from some people it's their way of saying, "hey, I am thinking of you..." or whatever. (I am one of those people. If you get the fwds from me, it's just because I love ya!) I especially liked them when I worked at the library and had limited duties and had to stick close to the desk because I may be needed. However, now that I can't check things at work, and I don't get on as much at home, my emails build up rather quickly. So, tonight it was delete, delete, delete.
This has been a very strange summer with so much on the calendar one can hardly stop to breathe. I can't believe it is the middle of July already!! And, August is even busier I think. We are going to attend a couple of local concerts, Josiah will start rocket football (1st year- I am so excited!!), Jordan will be playing Upwards soccer, and we will hopefully be going to Chicago again before the month is out, plus the annual reunions that happen this time of year. That's alright. I like to be busy, especially out doing things.
Speaking of doing things, last night my church had a jam session. Just a hang out night for those people who wanted to join in instrumentally or vocally in a time of worship. Though I was offered to play an instrument, I declined, and stuck to the mic. (I figured it would be best since I don't know how to play anything.) : ) It was a great time of worship, and in many ways spiritually refreshing. It has been so long since I left feeling as light as I did. It was so great! I hope we do it again soon. I suggested to the worship pastor that it might be a cool thing to do with the youth. He said he has thought about it. I told him to let me know, that I would love to help. I think it's great when adults get together, but so totally amazing when youth come together- because they want to- for the sole purpose of worship! How powerful!!

Thursday Thoughts....on friday

2008-07-11T16:42:00.003-04:00

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did. When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better that He wants to bless you with. Receive it. With joy."

~unknown~

weekend, blissful weekend

2008-07-05T21:34:00.003-04:00

I have had an extended weekend this weekend, and I have to say it has been so wonderful! In my little office, there is one other person. That's it. Just the two of us. And, it can be a pretty busy place! This coming week, my co-worker will be gone. Away on vacation. For the whole week. I am not real excited about this. But, it is what it is. So, to find a tiny slice of sanity, I took Thursday off. Since Friday we were closed to celebrate Independence Day, it gave me an extra long weekend break. Bliss. Thursday was fun, as I spent the whole day with just my kids. We went to the mall and then to the beach, where we spent very little time because it was a bit chilly and my daughter couldn't stop shivering! Who knew that we would need a light jacket or sweater to wear instead of a bathing suit! The water was warm, but the wind made the air pretty chilly. Of course, I was happy and contented because I don't like being in the heat. Unlike most people, I prefer to go to the lake when it is the cool of the evening and the sun will soon be setting. I am not much of a swimmer- not that I can't, it's just not what I like to do. I prefer to sit on the sand and watch the creation around me....the waves, the birds, the people enjoying it all. I love to walk the shoreline and just let my feet and ankles get wet. That is the way I enjoy the beach. So, I could have stayed a bit longer, but I felt bad for the kids, so we came home. We then enjoyed the local fireworks in the evening with some friends. Yesterday was crazy as we spent the morning celebrating a friend's daughter's birthday, the afternoon at a wedding, and the evening at another friends celebrating the 4th with a bonfire and fireworks. It made for a fun, but busy day! I am not looking forward to Monday, but at least I have had a bit of personal time myself, so I hope it will be better.
In other news, my daughter made the front page of our local newspaper! Her and a friend have decided to do a shoe drive for a local abused women and children's shelter. They are hoping to collect 200-400 pairs of shoes this summer! I am very proud of her! Last summer, a nearby zoo was looking at a finacial hardship, and she decided a pop can drive was in order. In a matter of a few weeks, the had collected around 1009 cans!! (In Michigan, we have a $.10 deposit that you get when you return cans....those that were not deposit cans, we crushed and took to a recycling place where they give you money for them.) All in all, she and her friends donated $109.00. She already has plans in her mind of something to do next summer! Right now, our porch is filling up with shoes! I am so blessed to have the children I have, and my daughter truly has a heart of compassion. I am so grateful, and pray she continues.
Here is the article....had to change some things for privacy and such, but I think I could leave enough in tact that you get the drift......
They are the best of friends. In fact, Chelsie and Jordan say they are more than just best friends, they are like sisters. They tease each other easily about their differences - Chelsie likes to shop ... Jordan does not. They speak to each other with the fluidity only the best of friends can really have. They share a unique desire to simply do good, serve their community and help others. And their friendship has, along with a single, solitary shoebox, served as the inspiration for the duo's latest charitable endeavor.
'Sole Friends' is the name of the shoe drive they will hold this summer. They're looking for shoes to donate to abused women and children's shelters. Jordan said she came up with the idea when she came home one day to find a shoebox sitting on her bed. Along with a dream she'd had the night before that was all she needed to decide to collect shoes from around the community to donate to people who may need them. "That's when she asked me to help," Chelsie said.The two are looking forward to getting as many shoes as they can to donate to those people in need.
"Getting that one pair of shoes," Chelsie added. "Would let people know that people care for them.""And especially for an abused women and children's shelter," said Jordan. "Because they have been mistreated by friends and family...."Domestic abuse seems like quite a subject for two young girls to consider. But Chelsie and Jordan speak about donating their shoes to the shelters with relative ease, as though they are very much aware of the people in need around them. Jordan said once the idea came to her, she began making calls to various shelters and centers and one told her they would happily accept whatever the girls were able to donate.
Jordan said the goal is 200 to 400 pairs of shoes. It may sound ambitious for these two girls, but they certainly don't act intimidated. Chelsie and Jordan have one drive under their belts already. Last year, the girls went door to door and elsewhere collecting cans for the Zoo, which had a financial need, Jordan said. They collected 1,009 cans for a total of $109 to be donated to the zoo.This time, "I really wanted to do a women and children's shelter," said Jordan. "And I really wanted to keep it close to home.... For the past few years it's just been a thought."The girls are passing out flyers and trying to contact as many people as they can for donations. Jordan said she doesn't know yet if she and Chelsie will go door to door. Of course, being as that neither Jordan nor Chelsie can drive, where they're able to go is not always up to them. "The adults take us where we need to be," Jordan said. "And we do what we need to do." Jordan has listed a phone number on her flyer where those who are willing to donate a pair, or more, of shoes can call to discuss pick-up or drop off. A collection box has been put out at a local business, that Jordan said she and Chelsie would check every so often.They'll stop whenever the needs of the shelter have been met. The girls say it all depends on how many shoes they're able to collect. Jordan said should she and Chelsie find themselves with more shoes than feet that need them, she may just send them to family members nearby to be donated to a shelter there. Jordan's grandmother, Ann, said that missionary work runs in the family, and it seems to have made its way into Jordan's blood as well. For her part, Chelsie tried her own hand at missionary work, going so far as attempting to take part in a mission, but unfortunately had to head back home when issues with her visa would not allow her to travel.There seems to be little doubt that Chelsie or Jordan will indeed get their chance at such a trip in their future, considering their observable determination. Jordan would like to be a pediatrician, she said. And Chelsie hopes to become a teacher. And though this drive is just getting under way, Jordan already has another place in mind to help next summer. "I think the next one will be an animal shelter," she said. Grandma pulls out photos from when the girls presented their donation to the Zoo last year. Almost instantly, Jordan and Chelsie stand out. For Chelsie - it's the wide grin that appears to be almost - beyond her youthful years. And Jordan draws the eye. At age 11 - her maturity is apparent in her eyes, even from behind her glasses."It's always nice to be able to do stuff for the community," she said."It makes you feel good," added Chelsie. "Like that feeling that you made a little impact on animals and/or people.""You never really know how generous people can be, until you start to do something like this and they support you," Jordan added. Chelsie agrees. "There are very generous people around here," she said.The two 'sole friends' tend to giggle in that carefree way that would remind one of their youth. And that reminder is needed, because speaking with the two of them, one gets a distinct sense of old souls.

Thursday Thought

2008-06-26T12:49:00.002-04:00

Some people are like Slinkies.....

Not really good for anything,

But, they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

UGH!!

2008-06-21T09:22:00.007-04:00

I am so tired of things...tired of being cramped in a two bedroom house, tired of my daughter's preteen attitude, tired of not having any money, tired of being in debt!!! In this post I am going to whine a little and share a little. I need an outlet. So, if you want to leave now, please feel free. You won't hurt my feelings...I am just warning you....

I was pregnant when I got married. There were already issues, and I can look back now and say...what were you thinking?! Of course, I thought we could make it through. We could overcome the challenges facing us. I was a stay at home mom for the first 7 years, pretty much. I say pretty much because when my ex would get "laid off", "let go", or "quit", I always went to the stand by- McDonald's- and worked until he found another job. Shortly after we got married, even more challenges faced us than before....not just a newborn baby.....I found out he was an alcoholic. Not a physically abusive one...no, I think that would have been much easier to walk away from....but emotionally and mentally. Of course, I, in many ways, felt trapped. I was married now. I took those vows I said seriously. I wanted it to work. I new that 'happily ever after" wasn't realistic, but striving toward that was something I could handle. There was always a reason he had to drink...work stress, family stress, past childhood stress. You name it, there was always something. I hated his drinking. I hated the way he would make me feel. In the midst of all this, we struggled to make ends meet. Lived paycheck to paycheck. At one point he was working a decent job, for a decent period of time, so we got a couple of credit cards. Of course, before we met, he had never had any credit, so they were in my name. All in my name. Then, he got let go by the decent job. He struggled to find a new one, and we got one of those offers to sign the check and pay it back. We did. We had asked for a little bit of help from parents, but in my mind, I wanted to do this on our own, and I know he did. He was one of those types that HATED to share anything with anyone about any type of struggle! So, he found another job, we paid things on time for awhile, still struggled, so we did something really stupid...we got another card to help with groceries and such. IN MY NAME! Around this time, he starts getting into some drug usage. This made life even more interesting, and I made threats that I was going to leave. I was not going to put up with it. (At this time my son had already been born.) After many arguments, things settled down and life was back to a regular level of disfunction. Then, he lost his job. Gosh, I am thinking about it, and I have no idea where he went after that job. I know he eventually ended up in an awesome paying job with fabulous benefits and bonuses. You'd think now we could start getting finances in order, pay down some of that bad debt and be alright. Well, he decided that the debt was so far gone, we could just ignore it and eventually the credit companies would write them off. This led to many arguments, but I was still at home with the kids, so what could I say? (Just so you know, I wanted to be home with my kids...I wanted to be there with them.) This is where it starts to fall apart. Within a year, he had 2 alcohol related charges, from different occassions, and the great job he had was also a great place to find perscription drugs and other drugs. In fact, if the cops had done a blood check with one charge, they would have found more than alcohol. We split up twice during this time. Once for just a couple of months, and of course I was assured that the drugs were done, the alcohol was done, he was a new man. Then, we spilt up again for a longer period of time. The second time, he got very drunk, went in to work about 5 minutes or so late, and had a confrontation with his boss. Needless to say, he no longer had job. I did not take him right back. I waited. I thought I was seeing a new man. One that had been brought to a place where he could only look up. I saw little changes. After awhile, I let him back into the apartment for little things like watching the kids and such. Never to stay. But, I saw these changes, and thought we would be okay. So, after awhile, I let him back in. I will honestly say here, that for about a year, I truly believe he stayed away from things. We were getting along better than we ever had. I actually wanted to make sure I was home to spend time with him. We had found a house to rent and we had both gotten new jobs. His was promising. It wasn't the exact field he had gotten an associates degree in, but close. We had been in the house a whole 4 months and he lost his job. He had a friend though that was going to renovate a house, and he has done construction, so he said he would help. A job that was supposed to take "a few weeks", ended up taking "a few months", with no pay until it was done. They finally got done with the house and he was going to take a week off and then look for a job. That week turned into months. Then he got an offer for a waiter position. While he was trying to learn the menu and all the things that come with restaurant positions, he started drinking again. I would love to say I bailed then, but no. I thought as long as he doesn't get like he had been, I will stay. After a little while, he quit his job, assuring me that he could find something better. But, video games, practicing your golf swing at the nearby field, and sleeping late don't help you find a job. By the time we had been there a year, I was told that we would have to either move to a homeless shelter or go to my parents to live. So, of course, I did what I thought was best. It was not the choice I wanted to have to make, but I didn't know what else to do. My job was a part time position, I was picking up any extra hours I could, and I was also selling Avon. I was running my butt off, and I was tired. So, into my parents house we moved. He had all these great and glorious ideas of becoming his own boss, working from home. Who knows, maybe he could have made one of them work. The problem is, you have to actually do it, not just talk about it. It was not a fun situation. I would come home and he would tell me all the irritations of the day, and I would remind him that we were blessed to have a place to live. Then the poop hit the fan. One night he was just a tad bit-hmm...drunk, with a side order of drugged. He couldn't walk straight, he couldn't talk right, and he certainly had no recollection of his words that night. He told me how he had been not only using perscription, but also growing and sellign some of his own drugs. (I had thought that something else had been going on lately, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It wasn't outright. He hid things well.) That was it. The last straw. I could take no more, and wouldn't put up with anymore. When he awoke from his stuppor the next mornign, I told him we were through. He needed to find a new place. I would be filing for divorce as soon as I could afford it. He of course, had no idea why I was doing this. He couldnt remember what he had said the night before.

Fast forward a few months....he's in Hawaii, away from the responsibility, the debt, and the child support, and here I am. Out of one situation and seemingly into another. I started this blog a few days ago, and am wondering if I should actually hit post. But, if you are reading this, you know what I decided. I know this may seem mild. (Let me just say, this is only a small glimmer of my life the last 11 years. There is much, much, much I did not add.) I am trying to work my way out of debt, and trying to figure out how to deal with all this around me I have to call life. I think I finally have a handle on things, and life smacks me in the face. I guess that's just the way it goes.
The really frustrating part is that I feel abandoned. I feel lonely. I feel irritated at every.little.thing. I feel....so many, many things right now. And the part that frustrates me most is that I feel part of this toward God. Yeah, I am aware of all the "right" way of thinking. I know the truth. But, that doesn't make my feelings any less real. It is what it is.
At least I am honest.

a somewhat sticky situation

2008-06-16T21:09:00.005-04:00

if you read the last post and followed the link (kinda like the yellow brick road...) then you found out what I did this last weekend. After all that, Kris and family & me and my kids went to another friend's house for a cookout and the kids were able to swim. Actually, the kids were swimming there while we were away. Anyway, we had a great time of friends and food, and the weather was beautiful for it! After that, Kris and I had to head to WalMart for a few supplies and I had to take my very sleepy kids with us. I put my son in the cart....something I never do anymore!...and through the store we went. We were in and out pretty quickly, but bythe time we were on our way out, the little cart rider was sound asleep! So, I carried him to the car, and then into the house and down the stairs. (A shower was needed, but the thought of putting him in when he was so far gone was more than I wanted to deal with.) So, bright and early Sunday morning, he wakes me up.... "Mom, I got gum..." as he proceeds to show me how it is stuck to his fingers, and hand, and he can stretch it between his fingers. I am thinking...or maybe trying not to think...that he got this off the cart he was laying down in at WalMart. So, I get up to help him get rid of the stickiness all over his hand. Did I mention it was all over his leg also?! Thankfully, he later reminded me that I had given him a piece of gum before we picked up Kris, and he just didn't think to throw it out before he fell asleep. I am sure there were many fairly easy ways to remove the sticky stuff, but my brain had not connected, so there I sat freezing his leg and my hand with a piece of ice and trying to not pull the skin off his leg as I picked at the gum. After much picking, I sent him to the shower and hoped he could scrub the rest off without removing any skin. I went back to bed for a short cat nap. When I got up, he showed me where there was still some left and by that time, I was a bit more awake. So, this time we tried peanut butter. Wiped right off. (Wish I'd have thought of that sooner!)
Thankfully, the day did head in the right direction after that. We went to church, then went with my brother and parents to lunch and a trip to the lake. Too cold to swim, but beautiful for sitting on the shore, or looking for unique rocks and beach glass. (One of our favorite things to do there!) Then my brother bought us dinner and we headed home. A beautiful sunset was in view on our ride home. (God is my favorite artist!) After the kids caught a couple of fireflies, we headed to bed. (I was wiped out!! I think the kids could have kept going...) It was a good ending to a good weekend.

check us out!!

2008-06-16T13:24:00.002-04:00

If you'd like to see what we did this weekend, go visit Kris' blog here!!!!!!! (trust me, you want to see!!)

I'm it....

2008-06-10T21:42:00.005-04:00

I have been tagged by Kris (a doulas heart). I am to list 6 quirky things about myself...so, here goes...'
*okay, this is harder than I thought it would be.....
*I have even asked my brother and except for telling me that I like NKOTB, he isn't coming up with anything....
*I refuse to believe that I am not "quirky".....
*maybe that in itself is a quirk....
1. I don't make sure my socks match my outfit....and they are usually silly socks, so you can imagine....
2. I don't like to eat french fries with ketchup, or mozzarella sticks with marinara...I'd prefer sweet n sour, bbq, or honey mustard.
3. I am very picky about my chocolate, and can honestly say that most times I can skip it altogether. (Kris says that's quirky, I think it's just a preference personally...)
4. I will order a BigMac without onions and pickles, and then in the process of eating remove the meat. (Can't help it....it's gross!)

(are you noticing that most of my "quirks" revolve around food?! the rest of the aspects of my life are just me, and those who love me accept it as me and not "quirky".....hmmmm....)

5. I like to wear unique things...earrings, shoes, hair pieces that are colored. Around Christmas time I have red and grean clips of hair that I put in. I also have a multi-colored hair scrunchie that (when my hair is long)I like to wear.
6. I hate to hang jeans, towels and underwear out on the line. (the underwear for obvious reasons, the towels and jeans because they get crunchy.)

Okay, I realize that not all of these are terribly quirky, but I am having a difficult time thinking of anything. Probably once I get off of here, I will think of all kinds of things. (That's an irritation.)
I know I am supposed to tag someone, but I am going to skip that part.

On to other things in life...
We went to Chicago the other weekend for my daughters belated birthday. She wanted to go to Hard Rock for lunch and do some shopping. It was a lot of fun, and at Hard Rock, the manager came over to talk to us and I told him why we were there. He said because she brought us all in just because she wanted to eat at Hard Rock for her birthday he was going to pay for her meal. Then he gave her ice cream too! Our waitress topped it off by taking her to the top of the stairs and hollering that we were celebrating her birthday. It was pretty cool, and made her feel pretty special. I bought her a t-shirt for her present, and she shopped with the money she received from grandparents and aunts and uncles. We got home terribly late and slept until we almost didn't have enough time to get up for church.
The kids are off to a good start for the summer. They haven't killed each other so far, so I guess that they are off to a good start. I am wishing that I had more time to take off work to spend with them, but life is what it is. I am grateful that at this point I have my evenings and weekends.
I am going Thursday to check into an accelerated adult course at a local college. I have an appointment with the advisor. I am a bit nervous, and a bit excited. At this point I am just checking into it to see if it's something I can actually do. They have a major in Bible Ministry. I figure it's a minor step, but at least it's a step. If I don't check it out, I will never know.

bittersweet dominoes

2008-06-02T17:22:00.003-04:00

So, today was my final hearing in my divorce. It's amazing that my 11 year marriage was summed up in a few questions and then over. A signature later, and I am no longer married....Those questions were just a glaze over. When my attorney went over the small sentence she had regarding the reason for the breakdown in the marriage, all that was going through my head was "if it were only so easy...." Of course all the thoughts of why there was a breakdown in my marriage were running through my head. All the concerns of whether or not I did everything I could.....I know I did, but I don't think you can ever truly get away from the questions in your head. And yet, still wishing that somehow it would have just worked out. That I could have loved him enough....that he could have admitted his problem(s) so that he could have gotten help....It is easy to glaze over the emotions of all this, as easily as the attorney glazed over the marriage. It's harder to deal with them. Then, as always happens, one or two events breaks down the dam, the tears flow, and you can't shut them off no matter how hard you try. The domino effect. I am thankful that it is done though. I was asked a few weeks ago if I viewed this as a beginning or and ending and all I could say was, "Both." It is an ending. It is an ending to a difficult road. It is an ending to a hope. It is an ending to a part of me. It is a beginning. It is a beginning to a different road. It is the beginning of finding a new part of who I am. It is the beginning of a new hope. This does not have to be the end of all I am. It can't be. I won't allow it to be.

Memorial Day

2008-05-25T21:23:00.005-04:00

To those that have served....
For those that are now serving....
For the families that have sacrificed.....

THANK YOU.....

"Liberty has never come from the government. Liberty has always come from the subjects of it. The history of liberty is a history of resistance."

~Woodrow Wilson~

no reading, eating or drinking allowed!!!

2008-05-24T12:01:00.007-04:00

Ronnie and the kids came over last night. Only, we had a few extras here as well. At any given moment we had no less than: Uno

Dos
Tres
Quatro

Cinco

Seis

Siete
Ocho!!!

Yes, that's right, 8!!! kids!! Javy had been here earlier in the day and asked to stay, so I figured we might as well invite his sister too right?? Then there was less of a chance that Sis would get left out. Add Ronnies kids that makes 7, then the neighbor stops by with his little boy, but when he left, he failed to take his son with him(!) But hey, what's one more right??

So, we made a fabulous meal:

that's alotta garlic bread man! and we had alotta garlic bread munchers!!

Hot, bubbly and yuuummy!! (i.e. large shells stuffed w/ many kinds of cheese, topped with spaghetti sauce and more cheese.....)

Nikki would be proud of the color combo we have here....

Then it was off to the park!!! Here are some random pictures of the evening. We did have a great night.

And now, to explain the title. Ronnie and I had sporatically been on and off the internet while dinner was cooking. At one point, her daughter had jumped on and was reading Polka Dots and Hiccups b/c we had just read it and left it up. To which she was told, "No reading allowed!!" (what we really meant was, blogging is a motherly sanctum, it helps keep us sane, no one under the age of 13 or rather 30 allowed!!) Latter in the evening a small one came in to ask for a drink, to which he was told "no, no drinking allowed." (what we really meant was, we're getting there, give us a few more minutes-we've only got 11 people to feed!!) A little while latter another small fry entered the kitchen asking for some garlic bread, to which he was told "No! No eating, drinking or reading allowed in this house!!"

It was all in good fun tho, the kids had fun, the adults for the most part had fun and we only had one grumpy small person on our hands all night. I'd say it was a success:0)

Monday, Monday

2008-05-19T22:28:00.005-04:00

This week has been pretty good so far. Of course, it's only Monday, so we will see! Ha! Actually, I have been working on something at work that has been somewhat overwhelming because it wasn't something I had done before. I did end up getting it done, and it ended up being a little easier to finish than I thought it was going to be. That was a blessing.
Here's my question of the week....
Why is it Sunday mornings and bedtime are the worst "kid arguing" hours? I get so tired of putting my kids to bed...which they always drag out....and then they just pick, pick, pick, and then it turns into a fight and someone ends up in tears and of course it's neither one's fault!!!! Ah kids....Of course, it's even scarier that after next week, they will be out for the summer, making the arguing hours longer. I guess it's all part of being siblings....how else can they say they love each other without really admitting it?
Kris and kids came over last night for dinner. My nieces were here too. Made a full house. But, the weather was nice so they all played outside...which was wonderful! Saturday night the kids and I went to a friends and then we were all invited to another friends where we had a bonfire. Good stuff! It made for a nice weekend.
Soccer is almost done. It was a fun season! Both kids scored a couple of goals. I enjoy soccer because it such a team sport. Yeah, essentially one person scores, but there is so much in assisting that no one can truly claim all the work most of the time. It was a fun season, rain and all.
I have had a few emotional days here lately. there have been some things that have come up that have made my emotions raw. It hasn't taken much to cry, though most times I can ignore it. Sometimes that's all you can do. As much as sometimes you want to cry, you have to just push it down and keep going. Sometimes you can cry. Most days, I can't let it get to me. I have to keep going, and some days the only way I know how is to just push the emotions down. I will make it through...I will. I have to. There is no other option. Life is. It's not so much the emotions of my marriage ending. I have dealt with that, and though I wish that things would have been different, it is what it is. And, was what it was. It's more the stress of taking the responsibility all by myself. Yeah, I have the wonderful support of my family and the help of my parents right now, but it's still me. That's where the stress comes. And, though I wish it didn't, I get frustrated in the thought that while I am carrying the weight, the other (should be) responsible party has none. Kudos to you single parents out there that have been doing this for years. Chocolate covered kudos to you who have kept your faith strong during it all! (Though I don't know how you could do it any other way.....)

Snickerdoodle

2008-05-13T21:50:00.003-04:00

I came home tonight to the wonderful smell of snickerdoodles. They are my favorite cookies! (They were very good by the way.) : )
It has been quite a busy couple of weeks. Last week, my little boy was sick...fever, sore muscles, congestion, all the fun of a sinus infection and bronchitis. This week it's my daughters turn. I also had my final hearing in my divorce case, but it didn't go quite as planned. Some of the paperwork didn't get to the judge. So, it has been postponed until June 2nd. As long as that's it, I am okay with it. I just don't want it to go farther than that. I don't know that I can handle all of that emotional stress. And honestly, I just plain don't want to.
So, on to other subjects for a bit...
Kris is going to be poppping in now and then to do some silly posts with me. She will be keeping her blog (of course! I'm just not birthy enough!) and I will still be posting my own thoughts. So, keep an eye out for her. We will figure out some way for you to know when it is her and when it is me.
My daughter has introduced me to an interesting site. Polyvore.com. You can make these collages and post them for people to see. You can also chat (she has only a few people on her list and I know all of them). I am not so much for the chatting. She made an account for me tonight. She has been wanting to do that for awhile now, so today I humored her. I would have totally loved that in junior high and high school. I am not too artistic, but I loved making collages. Most of the time on my bedroom walls or door. It was just my thing. I would cut out little sayings and pictures from magazines and put them on my walls in a kind of collage. I always thought they were cool. (I don't know that anyone else did, but it was a creative outlet for me.) So, I made a couple tonight while she was sitting with me. She didn't say they were cool or anything, so I guess I won't win any awards, and it's probably a good thing I didn't want to go into art when I grew up. Oh well.
My daughter celebrates her 11th birthday this week. I am still thinking that she should not be this old. Or maybe I should not be this old. Hmmmm......

2008-05-06T14:08:00.003-04:00

In the spirit of Polka Dot's & Hiccups, Ronnie and I (Kris here) have attempted some silliness:0) I took advantage of the fact that she decided to invite someone else to my house for lunch today, and had her take some pictures for us. Tuesday lunch is the one time a week that we try to set aside for venting, gossip (just kidding!!), and you know, girl time. Ronnie takes her lunch hour and comes to my little abode.

So, I figured while there was an extra person here, let's put her to work! tee! hee! (thanx ginger!!) You do get to see a picture of her piggies:)

Before you look at the slide show I'd like to do a little explaining....
You know that I announced on my blog that the NKOTB were back together, welp, I ditched all my tapes, posters, pins, your basic fanware years ago. Ronnie's is, well, how shall I say it, ummm, let's just say, we think it's hidden in a safe place, (hahaha had to get a little dig in there for Eddie!) the safe part will be determined at a latter date....SO! I amazoned them and she ordered a cd. When she shows up today, she has it w/ her, (utter excitement on my part!!) we had to take a picture w/ it! She resisted kissing it.

As we were discussing our old albums, we realized a shocking fact, we NEVER had New Kids CD's. We had TAPES!! Now if that doesn't make a girl feel old! Ronnies mom said when we go to the concert we're going to look around and think "who're are all these old ladies??" (the concert that we're buying tickets for this saturday!!)

I got this bright idea to take a picture of all of our painted toes, it was a little harder to do than I thought, there were too many bellies and boobies in the way!

alright, i know, it's not a video or a talky blog, but i really have no idea how to make either. i know i can do a video on my little camera, but well this is a start! oh, and sorry they're a bit on the blurry side.....

Catching up

2008-05-04T14:04:00.004-04:00

Life has been a bit hectic lately...with all the soccer games, Girl Scouts, AWANA, work, church, and the different end of the school year things that come up, not to mention, all the daily little things that one must do to get through life, I have not had much time to breathe. I will say there were a couple of days that I had some time that I could have jumped on and made a post and checked my email, but in all truth, I was not in the mood. Call it a funk if you will.
I think we have found our church home. : ) I made an appointment to go in and speak with the pastor this week to see where our family can fit in and serve. I am excited! The kids like it there, and I know quite a few people. There are so many little things that drew me to this church and then other little things that pointed me to this church that I will say it was hard to visit other churches. But, that just solidified my confidence that this is where we are supposed to be.
Kris and I have been bouncing around the idea of doing a talky blog together and posting it here on my site (since I post so frequently..). So, I am hoping we will get together soon and do that. Could be interesting! Will definitely be fun...at least for us! You all may just have to deal with our silliness. We have also talked up rising to Polka Dots and Hiccups challenge of posting our beautiful first thing in the morning pictures, so if all goes well, that should be on here in the next week. (You may want to shield your eyes that day! Could be a little scary for the little ones, so move the screen!)
The last few weeks have not been my favorite. So many emotions and so many things that just didn't seem to go right. We are also having cramped housing issues....too many people, too little room. I think I need a vacation. Speaking of which, I have let God know and am praying that He will grant us cheap tickets to Florida so I can visit my best friend this summer. I figure I did well in paying of some debt with my tax return, so with this blessing of a stimulus, I am hoping we (just me and the kids) can go see T and her family, and maybe Mickey Mouse, too. (Have never been to Disney!) If not, it will be okay as I do have a few other fun summer things in mind if that does not pan out. We will just wait and see. But, a vacation...oh yeah, I am ready!
Within the next week, I will be at the final hearing for my divorce. I am not going to say anything more in this post about that, but probably will later. I would just ask that you would keep my family in your thoughts and prayers as we make yet another transition. I know we have been pretty much there, but this makes it final....done. The kids are not aware of the exact day, but know it is coming, and have been struggling emotionally also. Just a prayer if you think about us. Thanks!
My brother and family will be leaving again for Bontoc, Philippines on the 28th for 2 years in the mission field. I am guessing it may end up being longer, but I know that they are waiting on God's direction on that. I am excited for them! If you haven't checked out Garden of Grace in my link list, head on over and follow their adventure! Godspeed to them, and another prayer thought for you!
I think that's all I have for now. It's amazing the things my mind comes up with while I am drifting off to sleep, but then by the time I actually get to sit down and post, the thoughts are just gone...a dream I probably had during the night. Maybe one night I will pull myself out of my coziness and write down my ideas so that they will be there next time I am ready to post. Ah well.....
Blessings!

still here....

2008-04-29T12:19:00.003-04:00

I am still here....just been busy, busy, busy! I will try to get something on here this week, or at least by the weekend!

.....TO BE CONTINUED.......

Careers I once thought I would have....

2008-04-17T19:54:00.003-04:00

age 8: a model

age 8: a veterinarian

age 9: a singer (this one lasted awhile.....)

age 17: a singer with my own recording studio

age 18: a youth pastor in the inner city

age 20: a youth pastor

age 21: a mom (okay, so that one happened...I don't think my mind was actually thinking "I want to be a mom." I just was going to be, so...)

age 21: someday I will still be a youth pastor

age 25: maybe a youth counselor

age 32: here I am and I still want to be a youth pastor....

Ya know, when I gave my desires over to God, I found that in my heart of hearts, I want to work with youth. I just wish I knew how to get from here, to there......and be all that I am supposed to be to my kids in the between time.

Soccer thoughts....

2008-04-12T20:30:00.004-04:00

The season has started. It all began with a freezing cold, windy, rainy day....gets you in the mood for the season, ya know....So, there I sat, cheering, and yelling for my team to win. I started listening to what I and what those other cheering "fans" were yelling. Of course, here we sat yelling at those team members of ours what they should really be doing...where they should really be on the field. Of course, we have that authority because that's what we would be doing if we were out there. So, here we sit, yellling, er, I mean, instructing. Of course, being the good parents that we are, we also expect them to listen to the coach as all good team members should. I got to thinking...
Here we sit in this game of life....there are those on the sidelines cheering us on, shouting instructions- for the good or the bad- and sometimes just plain yelling. Our Coach(God) tries to tell us where we need to be, how we should play. Which are we listening to? Are we keeping the voice of The Coach in our ears so that we can discern it, or is His voice being drown out by the voices on the sidelines? We make our kids attend practice so that they can become better at this game they want to play....do we spend time with our Heavenly Coach to learn how to "play" the game better? Though my kids have missed a practice, or a game, for the most part I make sure that they attend as many as possible as well as games. How can I come to the conclusion that I need any less time with The Coach learning how to make it through life?
I hope I can someday, honestly say that I spend the time I should with the Coach learning how to "play" better. I truly desire to hear the voice of my Coach more than the noise of the sidelines.

So, prepare yourself for the game....listen to The Coach.

Me and my "little" girl!

2008-04-07T12:05:00.001-04:00

Peace quiet and the insanity of life without kids....

2008-04-02T21:41:00.004-04:00

Not really so much insanity, but it is a little strange to not have anyone around needing my attention. Isn't it funny- some days you desire that, and here I am with the chance to have it and it is so foreign. I can't say I have been bored though, and I have talked with them every night. They were so sleepy sounding last night. My uncle was a hunter at one point in his life before he passed away, and he has some mounted deer heads. My aunt kept them, but they are in the extra bedroom in her house now. That's where the kids are sleeping. It's been difficult for my daughter to sleep with the deer in the same room "looking at her." I just chuckle because I don't remember that ever being an issue...it just was what it was. They did get to go to the space center today and said it was really cool and they had fun.
I enjoyed a night with the girls this week, and spent an evening with one of my nieces. She just wanted to hang out, so we got pints of Ben & Jerry's Half Baked and enjoyed Night at the Museum together. Sunday I spent the day shopping, and went to eat at Logan's. I haven't had a steak in such a long time!! Yummy! I have done some movie watching and had some much needed relaxation this week. I didn't get to take time off work, but I needed a break as much as my kids, so I just enjoyed the quiet after work. Tomorrow I am taking the day off so that I can do some much needed cleaning and such while no one is in the house but me. Can't say I am looking forward to it, but yet I am in some kind of weird, warped way. (Cleaning is not my forte...I avoid it as much as humanly possible!)
So, what do you do on Spring Break? Where do you go?

Walking in a winter wonderland......

2008-03-27T20:53:00.003-04:00

Oh wait...it's almost April. Maybe it's April Fools Day and I just didn't realize it. Yes, it is snowing outside. This morning they said that we may get snow mixed with rain, but that it would not accumulate. Now, it is looking like we may have an inch or two come morning. Yeah, I love the snow, but (I can't believe I am saying this...) I am ready for warmer weather. (I think I may have said that before...)
Spring Break is next week, and my kids are going with my parents to Alabama for a few days. It will be a quiet week around here, but I am looking forward to it. I am a little concerned about how that road trip will go for them, but will just pray that along with safe traveling, God will put a little extra patience in each of their suitcases.
I have to get my kids to bed...it has been late nights this week, which ends up interesting mornings. I just thought I would shock everyone and post twice in a week. :) Keep ya on your toes...

Oh, and Alexie-
Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday! Happy birthday! Happy birthday to you!!!!!
Love you!

Who? What? Why?

2008-03-23T21:45:00.003-04:00

It has been a crazy, crazy weekend! Friday we had family here at home, and had an egg hunt for the kids out in the crazy snow storm! It was freezing and snowing and snowing and blowing. There are still 2 eggs that I think ended up buried in the snow that we were unable to find. We had a lot of great food, and a good time. Saturday we went to the kids other grandparents house. (My ex is not in the area any longer so I take the kids to see his parents...we have a pretty decent relationship.) So, we had another egg hunt, but the weather was much better. More great food, and we sat around and played Rummy after we ate too much. (I had never played before...it was pretty fun!) Today after a great service at church, we enjoyed another wonderful lunch with some friends that are more like family. Tomorrow we will go with one brother and my nieces and parents to see Horton Hears A Who. (Their Easter basket gift from my parents.) We were truly blessed in many ways this weekend.
On another aspect of my life....
this has been a hard weekend for me in some ways. It has been one of those weekends that I do miss my husband. Most times I can pretty easily put things having to do with him and my marriage away. Some days however, I miss him. Yes, we had our issues, and yes, he had many of his own that made it all that much worse, but there were good things, and we were married 10 years. It's not always easy to just let it go. Sometimes I just miss the connection...having that someone to connect with, to cry to, to hold when you just need someone. I will say, for all his faults my ex was always willing to hold me when I needed it. I am sure I can chalk all these extra emotions up to the fact that it's another holiday, or the fact that my divorce will be final in a little over a month. Regardless, it is what it is, and at the moment, it's easier to dwell on these emotions right now than to let them go. Perhaps it will be a cleansing. I know it will pass- it always does.
So, enough serious stuff....I will let you know how the movie is. Of course it probably won't be tomorrow- I mean heck, I have already blogged twice in what, 3 days?! I don't want to get you all thinking that I will be blogging on a regular basis or anything! I have seen a few previews of it, and so I will leave you with a quote from it...
"In my world, unicorns eat rainbows and poop butterflies."

hee! hee! hee!

Have a great week!

and oh yeah...Happy Easter!

2008-03-20T21:55:00.004-04:00

Yeah, I know....it's been awhile. (Keep in mind why I won my award!)
Things are going...fast as always. I have been busy with work, and all the little things that take up time. We are going into soccer season, so life will again be in fast forward. I love soccer season though! I am so glad that both kids have decided to play this year! It will be my daughter's 6th year, and my son's first. He has been playing t-ball the last couple of years. I love going to the games, and I enjoy practicing in the yard with them when I can. My son is hoping to play rocket football this summer, which is another happy thing for me. My daughter will be on my brother's team again this year-she was last year too. I am so grateful, as he is a good coach. (And, let me tell you, we have had some interesting ones through the years!!) Right now, our biggest issue is making it up on time in the morning, and out the door for the bus. Some days it is just a nightmare and I would rather crawl back in bed. Okay, honestly, I would rather crawl back in bed period. Now with soccer practice, it will mean later nights and rougher mornings. In the end though, they always have fun- at least my daughter always has.
I am getting more used to my job. It is still not where I want to be forever, but it is not as bad as it was. And, some office issues have taken care of themselves, so it has not been as stressful. I have not contacted the college like I planned, but will eventually. It's that procrastinator in me coming out. And, to be honest, until soccer season is over, and a few other issues at hand are taken care of, I am not sure I am ready to add one more thing.
The kids and I have been checking out a church the last month. We all like it. We are going to go to a few more, and pray along the way, and hopefully will know where we need to be. I am not much for church hopping, or shopping. I like to get in and get involved. I love working in the church programs, especially the youth. It's where my heart is. But, with all the changes my little family has been through in the last year, I want to make sure we are where we need to be. I don't want to get plugged in and then say, ya know, I don't think this is it. I just want to be where God wants us. Where we can be ministered to, and minister at the same time. A place that not only speaks God's Word, but listens to His heart. I know He has the right one for us.
He always does.....

Customer service and other hassles...but the weathers nice!

2008-03-11T16:35:00.003-04:00

So, my massage was WONDERFUL! I would definitely recommend it if you get the chance.
On to another subject...
I have recently had to deal with customer service things on the phone with a company. It gets really frustrating when you are trying to explain the problem, they are hearing only part of it, and aren't quite sure how to deal with the situation you have presented them with. Of course, you're already frustrated because you were told one thing by one rep, another thing by another rep, and had to go through that wonderfully fun...press 1 for this dept.....press 2 for such and such...I try really hard to be patient. I understand all to well being on the other side of that conversation and not knowing quite how to respond. I have been at my job since August, and certainly no two situations are the same, and there are so many rules and regulations. I know that this is why I sometimes get stressed at work because I know how I feel on the other side of the phone. I don't know if more training needs to be involved, or what. I guess with public relations you have to learn as it comes. Sometimes it would be much easier in person. Of course, I will say, I tried that with this company also, and had almost the same problem.
So, let's talk about the weather...it actually hit 40* out today. with the sun shinning. And, of course, I am at home sick. I knew it would hit...it has been being passed around the house now for weeks. I have triedto avoid it, and it hasn't hit full force yet. I woke up today though and didn't feel like sitting at a desk for 8 hours feeling the way I felt. So, I went back to bed once the kiddos were on their merry way to school.
I have to say, even being indoors today, the sun shinning has been a nice change. This winter has been strange with snow, rain, flooding and more snow. Cold one day, warm the next. (I can't believe I am saying this...) It will be nice to go without coats again, and take walks and such. It would be even better if it wouldn't get any hotter than 80*!

a little bit of my story...

2008-03-05T22:15:00.005-05:00

I have been sitting here trying to find a new Calvin picture to put up, enjoying a few comic strips along the way, and getting more and more concerned that my computer is not doing so good. It has been click, click, clicking almost the whole time I have been sitting here. Not a thinking click that you expect, a click that happens when it shouldn't be.

Now I realize that because I update my blog so infrequently, that there are some of you out there that think it's not so bad without my computer. Truth be told, some days I wish I didn't have it so I wouldn't be drawn to sitting at it and working on a post or reading various other blogs. I would be on it more if I wasn't on one all day long at work, and didn't have two kids and a busy schedule. But alas, I do have a slight addiction to it. Not quite as bad as my shopping fetish, but a slight addiction nonetheless. The week I was away in February, it was very difficult to not read and post and surf a little. I just have a hard time sitting at it for long periods of time, or frequently for that matter. Call it a minor case of computer a.d.d. (is there such a thing?)

So, the weekend is on it's way, and it will be a bittersweet one for me. I am going to get a hot stone massage and a facial Saturday- I'm so excited as I have never had one before! I am treating myself because it is technically my 11th anniversary. I know that I have said a few things in previous posts, but not a whole bunch.

11 years. That's a long time. In 2 months, my divorce will be final. As much as I am grateful to be getting to a point where I will be able to move on, it certainly stirs many emotions that I have set aside for awhile. We have been split up for a little over a year now, but being that divorces are so expensive, we were in limbo until I could file. To think of all that has went on the past 11 years is a painful process. Now, here we are...2 kids and a divorce later. Everyone says they are sorry, but I am not. I know they just are sorry that it is happening. Do I wish it could have worked out...yes. But, at the same time, I worked on it....for 10 years. Sometimes, you just get to a point and have to say, I am done. I will not live like this anymore. I can forgive, but I do not have to be walked all over.

Let me just fill in a few blanks for you...my husband is an alcoholic, and has had other substance issues through the years. I have forgiven, tried to help him through, but there was always a reason he would start up again...whatever it was. I listened to him say he would never again drink, or do....to have to confront it all again. I was tired of justifying myself to him. I was not the person I had been, and the changes were not for the better. I finally could take no more.

It is not an easy road back either. You are no longer the person you were, and yet you are trying to figure out who you are. Not just as me, myself and I, but also trying to figure out your place without the "wife" in the title.

So, this weekend, I will treat myself along my journey, and I will remember that I am on my way to becoming.........

WANNA BUY A DUCK?!- memory lane

2008-02-28T23:01:00.003-05:00

I should be in bed, but I'm not. I am sitting here at this dumb computer trying to think of something to write besides what was in my head yesterday to write. (too whiney...don't want to go there right now...) I am so glad tomorrow is Friday. I am ready for the weekend. I think I need a vacation. Heck, a day off during a normal week would be nice. Oh well. In the local economy, I am grateful I have a job.

We have been dumped upon with snow again. Tomorrow, we are to be drenched in rain. This has been a crazy winter. Our river is up quite high, and I know the concern of flooding will be on the rise again (moan...bad joke...sorry!)

Saying that reminded me of the youth pastor I had growing up. He was more than just a youth pastor to me, but also a mentor and a friend. He was always ready with a bad joke. Bad jokes, but a great guy. I remember our drive home from camp one year...we stopped at a McDonald's, and I ordered and he was behind me. When I was paying, he put his hand on my shoulder and asked the gal behind the counter if I had ordered okay? After all, it was my first time ordering all by myself. She just looked at me- I was probably around 11 or 12. He of course, after being really serious looking starts laughing. Now, I don't get embarrassed too easy, and yet, I think my face was red! There was also a period of time when I was really into this boy band. I could tell you anything you wanted to know about them...including their shoe sizes. He always tried to get my focus on God though when I would start going on and on about them. His favorite question when I would start talking about them was "where's the Great Commission found?" The first couple of times, he threw me off, but then of course I looked it up, so I would be prepared next time. But, I looked it up, I read it, and that of course is what he wanted. He was always good for a listening ear and advice. So many, many times. I don't see him very often anymore. The couple of times I have, I will be honest and say it took me a bit to recognize him. Of course, the next time he saw me, he teased the heck out of me about it.

Thanks for walking down memory lane with me.....

Thanks Pastor Ted....

(I know there are a couple that are reading tha may have a memory or two of P.T....or a memory of a bad joke or two...share them if you would...I would love to read your memories.)

Lazy Sunday

2008-02-24T19:12:00.003-05:00

Okay, not really. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned some more. I am one of those people that make a mess and work my way through it. I am also one of those people that while working their way through the mess that they made in order to clean up find other things that need done in the meantime. Needless to say, it takes me awhile, but I am proud of what I accomplished, and I was even able to relax a little bit today.

We skipped church. We are looking for a new church. I am not a church hopper, but sometimes it is just time to move on. We have been at this church for 10 years and the only other church I have ever really attended I was at for 16 years before I left. This last year of my life has had so many things going on, and I feel like I am walking in a totally different direction than I had. If I really look at it, I don't just feel like I am going in a different direction, I am. Anywho, it was just time to move my little family on. So, we are checking out a few different places to worship. This week however, I was just plain lazy. I was in one of those "I don't want to get out of my pajamas until I feel like it," kinds of moods. I don't get them very often. I am not a stay at home type of person, but I have not went anywhere today. In fact, I didn't shower until around 2! I have to say, it was refreshing. Though I am certainly no homebody and can't imagine doing this all the time.

Parent-teacher conferences are this week. I look forward to mine. I have good kids though, and they are great students. It makes it much easier to walk into the room with the teacher. I always thought my son would be one of those kids that the teacher was always calling the parents about. He has a difficult time sitting still, and loves to talk. I wouldn't say he is add or anything. In his case, it's more a matter of him learning self-discipline. I have been pleaseantly surprised that he is a fantastic student, and is very helpful and listens to his teachers. My daughter is the studious one. If she is not on the computer when she gets home, her nose is usually in a book. Always has been. I remember when she was little and had been quiet for too long, I would go check on her and she would have every book pulled off her bookshelf in a pile "reading" them. Yes, I am a proud parent. They really are great kids.

Talking about kids, I went with my daughter last night for pizza and then to WalMart, as it ended up being to late to do anything else. She wanted to try on some outfits. She is not really a shopper, but sometimes she just wants to try things on. Last night was one of those nights. I don't know how many times we walked through her clothing section and another clothing section trying to find "just the right outfit" to just TRY ON! Yes, she even had to pick up a couple of hats and a little purse to go with them. I am sure if the shoe department would have been close, she would have picked out just the right shoe to go with it. (She did try on shoes later.) I know this may sound like a crazy little thing to do, but it was just us girls, and I don't let her do it often. Of course, when she was hanging all the clothes onto the fitting room rack, the lady said "None of those fit?" (Disclaimer here- she only got to try on 3 outfits and a bathing suit.) In all honesty, most of them didn't fit. We did end up getting a pair of much needed jeans. Next weekend I told my son we would go get him a pair of jeans. Then, he'll actually have a pair without holes in the knees! (He likes them best with holes in the knees.)

Oh, and about my son.....he has never been a "pink" wearing kid. In fact, one time I tried to get him to try on one of those "preppy" pink shirts and he told me that he was not a "pink boy". Today though he said something about pink, and I reminded him that he is not a "pink boy". He told me that "tough guys wear pink, too." I had to laugh. (I have nothing against guys wearing pink...some of them can pull it off nicely....)

Today was a reminder that spring is on it's way. The sun was shining, and while it wasn't really warm, it was a heat wave compared to what it has been. Tomorrow we will be in winter again as we are supposed to cool down and get 4+ inches of snow. It's kind of funny- everyone starts complaining about the winter weather...though it's no different this time of year than it ever has been. I guess it give them something to talk about.....
Have a great week...blessings....

Just as the snow in the globe was about to settle...

2008-02-20T20:31:00.003-05:00

...it was turned upside down and shaken. Thankfully, it didn't get shook up too much, and I think we will be okay. I avoided blogging for awhile because I did not want to whine, nor did I want to say all the things I was feeling in the midst of life being once again unsettled. That said, I do have some thoughts....
1- I have recently been going through a strange and unsettling feeling that so many things are just plain insignificant. At times, life even seems that way. The ironic thing is, tonight was one of those nights I walked around in this "insignificant" daze after I had mentioned to a friend that sometimes we just need to " put our big girl panties on and deal with it!" Sometimes it feels as though that maybe my big girl panties are just too big. Life can be so darn ovewhelming and though you know how you should be, and what you really should feel, you just can't seem to get there. Or, you get there for a short moment and then drift out of it back to that "why me, who cares, i don't want to" mode.
2- Enough of that for now.
3- I need direction. So, in an attempt to find some, I went to a website of a local Christian college and looked up the adult programs they offer. I was excited to see that one of the degrees was a BA in Bible & Ministry. So, I jotted down the phone # and hope to set an appointment soon to see where I need to go, what I need to do, and what I would be getting myself into. This is just a thought mind you, but it's something. I need something. I am sooo not happy where I am right now.
4-Do you ever feel like where you are is not where you need to be? (Yeah, this is kind of in reference to #1.) I sometimes wish that in these moments God used His audible voice. Not the "still, quiet voice". So, as my niece (5 yrs old) would say...."God, I need to have some quiet time with You. I talk to You but don't know what You are saying. Can You shout so I can hear what You are telling me?"
5-I have a cyber friend that is going through a difficult time. This friend is at a point where they just don't know who they are, or why they are. Not only that, but they are struggling with the little things that we as Christians say so often that they sometimes come accross as cliches. To that friend, I am so sorry that you have to experience this hell you are living through. My heart aches for you. But through all this, please don't forget what Jesus did for you. People are faithless.....but God, my friend, never is. And no matter what you feel, and no matter how you hurt, He will stay by you. He will love you. After all, He gave everything for you....He gave His life. I know you are struggling to find who you are right now. And, I can't imagine the hurt. I will tell you though that you are stronger than you think, smarter than you believe and braver than you seem. And, if you need to cry and yell and shout to God, His shoulders are wide. He knows how you feel anyway. After all, He created you.
6- There are always things in life that come up that make us question who we are, why we are. There are situations that make us want to crawl in a hole and give up. I guess we can either stand up and become stronger because of it and figure out where we are in God's grand scheme, or we can curl up in a ball and let our situation make us whatever it is going to make us. In the end that's the choice we all have to make. Are we going to place ourself in the Hand of the Master Potter and be molded and shaped? Or, are we going to sit on the shelf and never know the beauty of being molded and used the way we were designed to be?
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.Isaiah 43:1-3
Yet, O LORD, you are our Father. We are the clay, you are the potter; we are all the work of your hand.Isaiah 64:7-9
Jeremiah 31:3 "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
New International Version (NIV)
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:21-23

Tests, cars, computers and movies

2008-02-12T12:42:00.000-05:00

I am back! I took my exam Saturday and headed home....to a car repair bill of $400!! (I hate cars!) Then, last night, my son says the compter keyboard isn't working. I think we may have an extra one somewhere, so we will see if it's compatible. (I hope!) Last night I went out with the girls to see "The Bucket List". Good movie, but sad. I suppose you know that going in though! The other week we went to see "27 Dresses". Very funny chick flick for a fun girls nite out! The week away was sometimes way to quiet, and difficult for someone that is so not a homebody! I had no vehicle (I carpooled) and the weather was not really walking weather. So, in my room I sat. Of course, I was all prepared, and took my portable DVD player and some DVD's so I could catch up on movie watching....too bad I left the cord at home. I made it though and did manage to keep what little sanity I have left. I missed reading my blogging buddies blogs, but I think I have caught up with them.
So, how was your week? What happened while I was away?

No, I am not ignoring you

2008-02-03T14:55:00.000-05:00

I will be leaving to go out of town for the week, and I am unsure if I will have internet access. I know you all look forward to my posts....lol...and would not want you to be disappointed when you click in and there isn't a new one for days on end!!! So, I am not ignoring anyone, and I shall return.....
I know you will be counting the days!

first i would like to thank....

2008-01-31T20:15:00.000-05:00

I won an award! Granted, it was for the "one who updates her blog the least", but I still won an award. The conditions were that I needed to pass it on to 10 bloggers, however, I don't read 10 blogs...at least not yet. So, I spoke with the award commitee (Kris) about this problem, and was told that the judges decision is final and I can keep my award. So, I will pass on an award, but a little different. (I figured I have yet to be like "everyone else", so why start now?!)

So, here's my award:

And the winners are......(drumroll please...)

*Kris- " an informative and compassionate blog, and yet entertaining as we read about those interesting kiddos. " adoulasheart.blogspot.com

*Louise and Heidi- "always entertaining! pictures, grins, giggles, and an immediate feeling of friendship." polkadotsandhiccups.wordpress.com

*Thomas an Lisa- "going into all the nations and taking you with them through pictures, videos, and a heart for the Philippines." garden-of-grace.blogspot.com

*Amber- "an open and honest blog.she invites you into her life...." phosgraphis1.blogspot.com

Congratulations! You have received the "Best Blogging Buddies" award. No strings attatched. You have won this award because you have touched my life in some way. You win because you are a blessing to me, and I am glad to call you my blogging buddies!

how do you do it?

2008-01-30T21:46:00.000-05:00

First off, I want to say thanks to Kris for the award. I will get to that at a later blog and have it posted. Tonight I have something more on my mind........

I went to pick up my kids tonight after they spent a few hours with their Dad. Oh, they didn't want to leave. They had such a great time! Yadda, yadda, yadda. Blah, blah, blah. Now, don't get me wrong thinking that I don't want my kids to enjoy the time they get to spend with their dad. Don't think that I would rather have them have a horrible time, because that's not true. BUT (and that's an awfully big BUT...) how is it he always comes out the wonderful guy?! Not even that really....but how does a girl do it without it feeling like I am competing?! I know. I understand the whole dynamic of it. He does not carry the everyday responsibilities. The making sure the homework gets done, brush your teeth, no you can't do that, oh yes you will, that makes parenthood parenthood. He gets to say hey, let's have 2 donuts and play video games and all the rest. Yes, I also understand he is trying to make up for the time he doesn't get to spend with them. That doesn't mean it makes it any easier to deal with on my end. And, ya know, the kids are great....at least so far. They love him and that's what I want. Lord knows I have bit my tongue enough so that I say nothing negative about him in front of them. It's just a strange place to be....
So, if you are out there and are a single mom and know what I am talking about, please help me out here...how do you handle it? How do you send them off for a few hours and not feel like a troll the rest of the week?

just another day

2008-01-27T15:23:00.000-05:00

The snow is here, but will be gone tomorrow as it is supposed to rain. At work we are getting ready to move to a smaller office, and I am preparing to leave for a week class. I will miss my kids, but it is something that has to be done. The thing that is driving me crazy is that I don't feel like this is my life's work. I feel like this is just a temporary situation. I am restless and want to move on, but don't know where to move on to. Or, how to move on for that matter. The thing is- I know I am supposed to be doing something. And here lately, so many things point to some other thing, but not necessarily what that other thing is. The other day, I spoke with the youth pastor at my mom and dads church. She wasn't the youth pastor while I was growing up, but I was a youth leader when she came. She was just such an encouragement to me talking about how she knows there is a call on my life for that kind of ministry, and though life has led me "around a tree" so to speak, that it does not change God's call on my life. She just spoke life into me. I am restless. In so many aspects of my life. I know that I need to wait upon God. I know that He has it all figured out. I know, I know, I know. I just am having a hard time with the wait....I am like the impatient child that says "What can I do then?!" I don't want to wait for a house. I don't want to wait for a job that I enjoy, or a ministry that I can finally be involved in. I feel like I have waited long enough. Oh yes, I am aware that some of the wait is because of decisions on my part that weren't the best. I also know that God has the perfect timing for everything. So, yes I will wait. I just can't say I am thrilled with that answer.....

For Louise....

2008-01-23T23:33:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CT7x3VnrqbA

Be encouraged my friend....you are His!

(Okay, so I am not real tech saavy. Forgive me....)

So....snow

2008-01-15T17:06:00.000-05:00

We finally have snow again! After a wonderful snowfall, and some fun sledding a few weeks ago, we were drenched with rain. And, I do mean drenched! The rain has stopped, the temperatures have dropped, and it has snowed. None too soon either, as our little city is having our 3rd annual ice festival this weekend. Last year they held it in the rain with the ice sculptures melting away. It was still fun, but I do prefer wearing my mittens and hat and being all bundled up while I am perusing the ice creations. Yes, I am a true Michigander, and love the winter weather! I am anxious to play some football in the snow with my kids, brothers, and nieces. Hopefully we will have enough snow to do so.
If you would like to see pictures of our sledding adventure before the rains, visit the Garden of Grace link .

Cheap Therapy

2008-01-09T16:35:00.000-05:00

I read yesterdays post and all I can say is cheap therapy. Ah well, sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes to just get your feelings out no matter how much they would not make sense to anyone else is a realease. I have also heard that when you cry your body releases bad toxins. So, I am now that much less toxic. Right?! (no sarcastic comments from the peanut gallary, please!) As for an issue I dealt with in the post...I do just feel so far from God right now. It is one of those times that He is silent. I suppose there are times when He is silent so that we will have to lean fully, trusting. It is truly a frightening thought, and yet if I have to know nothing, I would prefer to be in His hands. It is sometimes in that quiet though that we question, and cry, and yell, and fear. Because in our humaness, we don't like that feeling. We want to know. We want to feel. We have a hard time with trust because that means we rely on someone other than ourself. And it is difficult to lay our life, plans, dreams, desires and will on the altar and leave them there. Isn't that funny?! We fear leaving those things that make us who we are in the hands of the one who made us. Are we afraid He will break us and not make us whole again? I suppose if we are truly honest with ourselves, we find that could really be the case. I know that He would not leave me, that He is always faithful even when I am faithless, but the thought of being broken- the possiblity that I will be left that way, scares me.

to frog or not to frog part II

2008-01-08T22:07:00.000-05:00

I think everyone had an okay time. Minor frustrations along the way, a few laughs, and hopefully the beginnings of a new skill learned. Out of the 10 scheduled to show, only 4 did. I think it was actually better that way. It made it easier to help when and where needed.

On another note, this was one of those days I could put back on a shelf. Work was not so great. Why is it every unhappy customer must come in on the same day, all within an hour of each other?! Then, I get home and have a phone conversation that doesn't make my day any better.

Why is it that you can't see your lack of responsibility? That it can be ignored so easily? I don't understand. I probably never will. I have tried to get these things out of my head. To not let things affect me. To not be bothered. It is so easy for you to just shirk off things of the past. To say why bring it up again. Of course that could be because it didn't affect you...at least not yet. You have not had to live with the weight of your decision. You are blinded by your mind's justification. And why is it that I am so bothered? Why can't I just let it go? Why can't I give it to God and just leave it there? When I looked at my life when I was younger, never did I imagine the hurt that I would be feeling now. And honestly, never did I think I would feel as far from God as I do now. I hate this. I hate the way I feel, the way I react. I hate not knowing where to go, or how to get there. Floundering. I am tired. So very, very tired.

To frog, or not to frog

2008-01-07T17:10:00.000-05:00

So many times I think of a ton of things to say on here, and then when I actually have a moment to sit and blog, I have no idea what to say. Sometimes I think of things to speak on spiritually. Other times I think about my kids. Then, there are just your every day life issues. I want to be open and say things that are happening, and that I am feeling, but wow, the vulnerability in that. Scary. Funny thing is, those are the blogs I enjoy the most. The ones that are honest. The blogs that make you realize that you are not alone in life. You are not the only human dealing with that issue.
On a different note....tonight at our local library, I am teaching a beginners crochet class. Don't ask me why. I have no idea. I used to work there, and the person in charge of the program tonight knows I crochet. I was asked when the person she had lined up (a blue ribbon winner at the local county fair) never got back in contact with her. (What did I get myself into?!) Yes, I do crochet, but I am not real great at it. In fact, if you want honesty, I am pretty much a beginner myself, even though I have been crocheting for a few years. I am not real excited about this. I am self concious about it actually. I have made some blankets. Baby blankets, throws, and one scarf. A simple double crochet stitch. Don't ask me to read a pattern, I haven't figured that out yet. My projects don't always turn out even, but they are made with love. (I say they are an original piece and any variation was done on purpose.) I am worried that these women will expect more out of this than I have to offer. However, I am commited, and I will do it. I just hope we get through the night with a lot of laughs, not much frogging, and the beginnings of some simple scarves. We'll see.
I'll let'cha know how it turns out........

Happy (?) New Year

2007-12-29T11:12:00.000-05:00

New Year's. Resolutions. Ring it in. Promises, promises, promises. Hope. A new beginning.

We are leaving 2007 and all that it was. (thank God!)

2008 and the hope that it will be better is on it's way. (Lord, make it so!)

To all of you- May your 2008 be filled with hope. Your life overflow with grace for a new day. I pray for you joy in any sorrows that come, and peace in the knowledge of a Saviour's everlasting love.

Blessings,
Ronnie

Twas the night before Christmas

2007-12-24T14:25:00.000-05:00

Christmas Eve. I can't believe it is here already! My daughter was talking about waking up tomorrow morning, and it brought back memories of Christmases past......

I remember my brother would wake up so early. Sometimes (most times) he would wake me up, and we would turn on the tree lights and some Christmas records (yes, records) and just lay on the couch waiting for it to be 7am so we could wake mom and dad up. NO TOUCHING ANYTHING! We would get in SOOO much trouble if we even thought it! Then, at 7am we could wake mom and dad and other brother up. More waiting. Once everyone was moving, we could open our stockings. Those were so much fun! The little gifts, the candy we could eat even though we hadn't had breakfast. Now on to the gifts...I wish. No, it was more waiting...yep, waiting. We had to wait for both sets of grandparents to come before we could begin the grand task of present unwrapping. But, ya know, I felt so very special that I got to spend Christmas morning with both sets of grandparents. FINALLY! They would show up, and then we could unwrap those gifts! (Even an extra one from the grandparents though we had had Christmas with them on a different day.) Soon, the presents were unwrapped, and the hunger pains began. Mom and grandmas would then make breakfast. My favorite part was that my one grandmother would bring glazed donuts. Every year. Such a special treat. (Donuts were something we only got occassionally.) Then the rest of the day was just lazy. Playing with the toys we got, arguing with my brothers, ya know the normal routine of life. But, on Christmas day it was just a little different.

Happy Memories and Merry Christmas!

I know, I know

2007-12-18T18:11:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile...
Life has been...what shall I say...not the greatest lately. I have been trying to stay sane, and responsible while wanting to run away screaming! (I wish I were exaggerating.) It has been busy, and things that just aren't right have been happening. I am the accused party, the one taking the fall, and the one who carries the responsibility. The thing that is most irritating is that I have been trying to do things right. Not to say I don 't make mistakes, but I am trying. And yet here I am...carrying it all. I was praying last night about a situation, and the verse that says we do not wrestle against flesh and blood came to mind. Don't get me wrong, it was comforting, but it doesn't make the fight any easier. It's still a fight. I am not a confrontational person...I can be, but I don't like to be and I don't do it well. I end up crying, or not saying what I really want to say. I bite my tongue a lot. And, I always think of what I wish I would have said afterward. Anyway, to make a long story short, I have wanted to get on here and say a lot, but it has been a very difficult, very emotional month. I will blog again later, but I will leave with that for now.

Busy, Busy, Busy!

2007-12-01T18:35:00.000-05:00

It has been one of those weeks that I have not had much time for anything. Louise has said I need to do a "list", so here goes....

* I am a VERY busy person.

* I wish I weren't so busy....

* I am working on that.

* I love music...except country..

* I really don't like country...

* Very rarely do my socks match my outfit

* and it's more fun if they are silly socks

* I had a lot of good thoughts on what to put in this list

* then I started to type it....there went my thoughts...

* squirrels are my favorite!

* I enjoy walking the beach at night

* don't really enjoy the beach when it's hot and sunny

* I'd rather be shopping in air conditioning

* Someday I hope to have the time to learn photography better.

* Someday I want to go to Scotland, too.

* and take a pottery class

* I own a cat

* Dogs are cute when they are someone else's, or at the pet store

* I went to college to be a youth pastor in the inner city

* I only went one year

* wish I would have finished

* Before I became "mom" and all that comes with that title, I used to go on road trips and stay up late

* sometimes I miss that

* I wouldn't trade my kids for anything though.

* When it really comes down to it, I enjoy cooking and baking....

* please do the dishes though, or get me a dishwasher

* I hate dishes

* almost as much as country music

* nah, I hate dishes more

* I always thought if/when I had kids I wanted a boy like Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes

* be careful what you wish for......:)

* I love Calvin & Hobbes

* I love my boy too

* I wish I had red hair like my daughter

* I always wanted red hair

* I love my daughter

* I am scared what it will be like when she's a teenager

* I just hope my kids fall in love with God

* ya know, that deep sense of longing and that hunger to know Him more

* I sometimes wonder what they will do when they grow up

* heck, I sometimes wonder what I will do when I grow up....

* I feel that God has something more for me...for my family

* I am anxious and hesitant about it all at the same time.

Thought for the day

2007-11-21T11:43:00.000-05:00

"Your life is an occassion. Rise to it."

~from Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium

Happy Turkey Day

2007-11-20T17:08:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is almost here. It is unbelievable to me how quickly it has came. So, a few things I am thankful for....
* A God who loves me despite my failings and often lack of faith. A God who will never leave me.
*My children- where, oh where would I be without them?!
*My family...for all the frustrations that sometimes come with them, they are a tremendous support, and I have been blessed.
*Friends....need I say more! Knowing I can cry, scream, vent in the form of emails, call in the middle of the night if need be, and laugh hysterically over something so seemingly silly, I am truly grateful! Knowing I am loved without being judged.
*Blog friends- it has been fun "getting to know you".
Have a truly blessed Thanksgiving!

stresses and traditions

2007-11-14T17:10:00.000-05:00

I have been trying to think of something profound to write. Something defining. Something that makes you think "WOW! Good stuff there!" Oh well. You are stuck with my ramblings this time. Nothing profound or even really wise. I will admit to the fact that I feel better. There have been a few weights lifted off my shoulders, and it makes it a little easier to breathe. I am anxiously awaiting the snow, and with it the holidays. The time of year we get all stressed out to spend time with family and friends we don't always get to see any other time of year. Yet, it is a good stress when it is all said and done. The stress of cleaning and baking and shopping and trying to keep your kids content while you run around like a chicken with it's head cut off. (I have never really seen that...thank heavens...) Yet in the end it makes for a good day ( most of the time) and you feel good about life.... for that microsecond you get to sit and enjoy. I know you probably think I am on the verge of sarcasm, but isn't it true? Even when we try to downscale, this is the way it goes, but for the majority, we look forward to this time of year. "The most wonderful time of the year!" So, tell me what your favorite thing about the holidays is...what tradition do you carry every year. Maybe something you started for your family all your own. Perhaps a tradition from your family that you just have to do or it wouldn't be Thanksgiving/Christmas. I'll tell you one of mine...something I started with my kids. The first snowfall....real snowfall...they get a little gift. A tiny thing. A little knick-knack or an ornament. The fun part is they don't think of it, so it ends up being a fun surprise every year. Speaking of first snowfall, here's another children's book for you to check out. It's called "Winter's First Snowflake" by Cheri L. Hallwood. Patricia Rose does a fantastic job with the illustrations! Enjoy...and let me know your traditions.....

There's no place like home....again...

2007-11-12T17:21:00.000-05:00

My brother and his family made it home safe and sound! They are planning on packing it up and returning abroad after the first of the year. I am excited for them. I let my kids stay home from school Friday as their cousins were over for the day. They had so much fun together. The best part was that I got to miss the chaos of it all because I was at work...Grandma on the other hand was smack dab in the middle of it! I think she enjoyed it, and since the weather was not too bad she was able to send them outside for a bit. Friday I spent my evening celebrating my little man's 7th birthday at Chuck E. Cheese. The tokens ran out quickly, and the noise stayed for the duration. But, the little people had fun, and that's what counts. The weather is warm again -low 60's (but compared to last week, that's warm!) We are supposed to have snow by Thursday though. (YAY!) Of course we have a bonfire planned for Saturday (bring on the s'mores!) but we've had them in the rain before, so snow should be a piece of cake!

Ramblings.....

2007-11-07T17:11:00.000-05:00

My best friend is coming home for a visit!! YAY! She and her daughter will be up the week of Thanksgiving. They will be visiting family...and me! It hasn't been terribly long (she moved in June), but sometimes ya just need your best friend. My brother and his family will be returning home tomorrow, and my little man turns 7! My kids are so excited to welcome back their cousins! I don't remember if I have said anything before or not, but my brother, his wife and their 4 girls went out to Salem, Oregon at the beginning of June this year to train with YWAM for missions. On September 4th, they flew to the Philippines where they ministered until around the 31st of October. I don't know what there plans are after the new year, but I think they truly enjoyed the experience! I am anxious to hear the stories from my nieces ( the youngest is just 5!) and their take on the adventure. I can't believe that Christmas is so fast approaching! I look at my calendar and how quickly it is filling up and think "there's another month gone!" I am waiting for real snow now. We had some tiny flakes in the sky and Kris wouldn't let me claim it as being the first to call snow. Oh well, I beat her on listening to Christmas music first again this year. She's not too far behind though, and beat me in wearing festive clothing! (We do this every year...have forever...don't ask, I have no idea!) Oh, here's a funmovie that has come out for the holiday season on dvd...A Wish For Wings That Work . Based off the children's book of the same title by Berkley Breathed. I have ordered it and am anxiously awaiting it's arrival! I know I am rambling about many different things today, but my mind is just moving......

Lost.....

2007-11-01T15:51:00.000-04:00

I feel so lost in my life right now. Not so sure where I belong or what God has for me. I am wishing for direction and at the same time feeling like I am drifting. Wanting so much more of God and yet pushing away at the same time. I feel like I don't fit......anywhere. I am so grateful for my friends, but honestly wonder how tired they are of hearing my whining. I know I am tired of hearing my whining! Remembering how I used to be. How I enjoyed laughing even to the point of tears. Now laughter is few and far between. My kids will do something they think is so funny, and most of the time it is just annoying. I hate being this way. Everything just feels so heavy right now. I told my oldest the other day when she asked that if life is a plate, mine is over full. The hardest part is that I know all the "right" things to say. I know how I "should" feel. Yes, we have a God of the impossible. Yes, He loves me no matter what. Yes, He will see me through. I know He will never let me down. Right now it's the humans that I am frustrated with. Unfortunately that somehow gets taken out on Him. I am honestly even tired of my church. It just seems like such a chore to go...and honestly I am tired of putting on a smile and saying things are fine when they truly aren't. Yeah, I could open up. Believe me, I have. How often though do you want to hear the same thing. You know the people that you try to avoid because it's always the same. (Let's be honest....they are a part of life...) Well, I don't want to be one of them. This is just where I am at right now. Sorry you all have to read it. But, I guess this blog is more for me and some cheap therapy than for being religiously correct. I don't like religion anyway. It blocks the truth of God. But, that's a different subject.

OH JOY!

2007-10-26T17:12:00.000-04:00

I am in a pretty decent mood today. I would say I am happy it's the weekend, but it is jam packed, and not all of it will be enjoyable. I could say it's because it's payday, but let's be honest...it may be payday, but it's pay the bills day too. I guess I'll just enjoy it for however long I can. Happy weekend everyone!

a little perspective...

2007-10-23T17:13:00.000-04:00

It's so good to have people in your lives who you can talk to. Sometimes just the act of speaking the problem helps. It can put things into perspective. I spoke with a friend today about a "problem" that is coming up with the giant in my life. She didn't really offer advice at first, but just by speaking the situation to her helped me see the best course of action...or at least what I hope will be the best course of action. I know I am being very vague here, but it is not something I feel I can post about right now...maybe somewhere in the future. I do feel it will have merit at some point, but I don't now. Anyhow, there are many ways I could deal with this problem. There are some quick fixes and some seemingly easier solutions. But, upon discussing these other ways with my friend I realized that sometimes you have to take the difficult road to find the best path. I don't like the difficult road. The pebbles in the shoes are irritating. The boulders you sometimes have to climb can skin your hands and knees. The tree branch hanging down can sting when you didn't see it hanging down and it slaps you in the face. (all figurative of course) But, sometimes it brings out the courage and the strength we need. Or the faith that God is with us through it all and though will not necessarily bring us out unscathed, will bring us out stronger. Definitely stronger. On another note, the barn party was fun and my uncle's house is beautiful! His wife is a wonderful decorator! Tonight the munchkins and I will be carving pumpkins! Maybe I can get some pictures and post them. And, the weather is finally feeling like fall! Oh, I love fall!

cleaning, barn parties & The Kissing Hand

2007-10-17T17:02:00.000-04:00

Did ya miss me?! The blob did not conquer me if that was a concern. I have just been really busy! I didn't clean on Sunday, but did it on Saturday instead. I tamed the blob to Christmas music, and got caught up on laundry. It was actually theraputic! My kids were gone for the day, so I could just do. Refreshing! I stayed home from church Sunday, did more laundry and just relaxed.

This weekend will be another busy one, but a fun one! Our church family has an annual barn party. I look forward to it. It is a lot of fun and food and fellowship! Hayrides, square dancing (which is fun even if you don't like country music...but only for the night!), a bonfire, and a lot of fun! It's held at one of the church families barn.

My Uncle and his wife are also holding an open house. They just built a new home and have invited everyone to come check it out. We don't get to see that side of the family very often, so that will be fun too.

Of course these fall on the same day only hours apart, but we will go to both. It will be a long but hopefully happy day. Sunday may be full of tired kids and attitudes, but they may do okay. We'll see.

On a different note.....I was filling out a scholastic book order (love those!) and there was a book pack for The Kissing Hand and the second book for a really good price. I had to order it! (Memory moment coming....) Last year, on an early Saturday morning, my little boy crawls into bed with me to "snuggle". He then kisses the palm of my hand and folds my fingers up. He tells me that now anytime I miss him, he will always be right there. I was in awe that my little guy would come up with this! How sweet! How special! I later had to look up something at work (I was then working at the local library in the children's dept.) and I was checking this book to see if it would fit our storytime theme. There it was. The sweet little gesture that I thought my son had come up with on his own! It was still sweet, but I just laughed! His teacher had read the story in class. It is a cute story though, and was still a very cute thing for him to do. If you haven't raead it, check it out!

pseudo-happiness

2007-10-11T13:22:00.000-04:00

I can't believe I am actually looking forward to this weekend! I know that may sound weird, but I have decided to tackle the insanity that I call home. The blob is alive and well, and taking over my living space!! So, I have been telling myself that Sunday I will be staying home and cleaning. I know that may not sound like fun- honestly, it doesn't- but I want just one area of my life to not be so chaotic. So, I keep telling myself this will be a good thing. It will really. My kids aren't looking forward to it, but I told them they could stay and help, or they could go to church with Grandma and Grandpa. I bet I am by myself on Sunday. Peace and quiet, oh joy! I may actually get something done! And yes, I will be cleaning to Christmas music! (Don't worry, I already know I have issues. I'm okay with that.)

can you smell autumn?

2007-10-10T16:21:00.000-04:00

It's cold and rainy today, but I am enjoying it! While everyone else looks forward to the spring rains, I dread them. I look forward to the cool, crisp rains in the fall, followed by beautiful snow of winter. Yes, I have already started listening to Christmas music, and am looking forward to shopping. I like my pumpkins, but the day after Thanksgiving, the snowmen and other winter/Christmas decor will be up to stay until January sometime. This year will be different with many mixed emotions. I am anxious to welcome back my brother, his wife and my 4 nieces from the mission field in a little less than a month. I miss my girls! I am grateful that I have been able to keep up with them on their blog and see how this adventure of theirs is going. I am very proud of them, and hope that even if they don't continue, this has been a life changing event for them. I can't wait to see how big the youngest (5yrs) has gotten! It's only been 6 mos, but at that age, they grow so quickly! I know my kids will be so happy to have them home. Okay, I don't want it to be Christmas quite yet, so I will say, for a closer thought, here are some of my favorite fall things....

*leaves changing colors *the "crunch" of the leaves when you go for a walk * the smell of burning leaves *football *the crisp smell of the air *carving pumpkins *pumpkin seeds (home baked of course!) *sweaters/sweatshirts *warm, fuzzy socks * raking leaves (yep, I even enjoy that!) *bonfires *jumping in leaf piles (you're never to old, are you?) *apple cider with cinnamon donuts *barn parties

Happy Fall Y'all!

Aliens, Gypsies and ...Ronald McDonald?..oh my...

2007-10-09T11:27:00.000-04:00

Okay. I am having trouble. I will figure this out! I may throw the computer across the room first, but I will not let it prevail!!

(aren't they cute though?)

2007-10-09T09:42:00.000-04:00

I am going to try to post some pics today....we will see how it goes.
Oh, the anticipation!